They say everyone's a critic, and I think we can all agree that no critic is harsher than a teenage girl.
Much like last year, I have compiled a list of every piece of media I consumed to completion between 1/1/23 and 31/12/23, along with my surely fascinating thoughts about them—all colour-coded for your (and future me's) convenience! Excepting live stage productions, I haven't included rereads or rewatches. Mostly spoiler-free, but I couldn't stop myself from going into detail about...certain things. You have been warned.
The queer media bar was much lower (and much less abstract) than last year's. This time, the criterion was as simple as Is there queer representation? It didn't have to be 'good' representation, in fact I much prefer the opposite, it just had to be there with some meaningful impact. Behold the code:
Explicit
To some extent /word of god/that one bit in The Winter Prince
Nowhere to be found
If you haven't the patience to sift through all this (and I really can't blame you), here are the ones you should go out of your way to watch and read:
Favourite book: The Winter Prince by Elizabeth Wein
Favourite film: Bottoms
Favourite TV series: Interview With The Vampire
Favourite theatre(?): A Little Life
And now for the details...
BOOKS
The Praise Singer by Mary Renault — 8/10 — Haven't the energy to unpack it further but I think there's a real significance to this being the last of her Greek novels (excepting Funeral Games which I don't really count) and The Last of the Wine being the first. Something something reflections of each other.
Tiepolo Blue by James Cahill — 1/10 — I've rewritten this paragraph about five times because I can't articulate what it is about this book that I dislike so strongly. It's vulgar in a way that isn't clever or making any kind of commentary; just unpleasant for the sake of shock value. The protagonist doesn't learn or change at all; if he'd become worse, even, that might've at least been interesting. The big twist is neither big nor a twist. An incomparably hollow thing.
An Oresteia (translated) by Anne Carson — 10/10 — Carson's sense of humour is exquisite.
Alexander the Great by Robin Lane Fox — 8/10 — Irrefutably a book about Alexander the Great. Fox uses the phrase "the sequel" far too often for my liking, but then again people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone— 5/10 — A little much, I think. The language is so flowery by the end that I genuinely don't have a clue of what happened in the last few pages.
The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake — 1/10 — If you can't juggle six viewpoint characters the solution is not to condense them all down into cardboard cutouts.
Anna by Cynthia Harrod-Eagles — 5/10 — Let down badly by the second half, though I'm willing to admit that most of that is due to my own sensibilities. Justice for Boris and Jean Luc!
Dear Evan Hansen: The Novel by Val Emmich, Benj Pasek, Steven Levenson, and Justin Paul— 3/10 — The horse is dead, guys. No number of secret gay boyfriends is going to revive it.
The Winter Prince by Elizabeth Wein — 10/10 —Intense. Very intense. I'd love to write a real piece about this someday. I know that the whole "Your beauty makes me sick" speech and subsequent incident are what people tend to focus on (and for good reason, my god) but personally, I'm obsessed with that bit where Medraut says something actually very reasonable about how Artos can't expect him to be constantly watching out for Lleu and then immediately starts comparing himself to Cain. So funny and so painful.
S by Doug Dorst and J. J. Abrams —3/10— You could chop the last three quarters of this book off and come away with the same amount of information.
Petrograd: The City of Trouble by Meriel Buchanan — 10/10 — It sounds very wishy-washy but Buchanan's descriptions are fascinating and her writing style was exceptional, it makes me wonder why her novels never took off. Exceedingly interesting, as Nicholas II would say.
The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins — 10/10 — I went in expecting a simplistic cash-grab and was very wrong. There's a much darker, bleaker tone to this when compared with the original trilogy which I personally prefer. Obsessed with Sejanus Plinth.
You've Lost a Lot of Blood by Eric LaRocca — 4/10 — Most of the horror I experienced while reading this novel came from the fact that I was reading it on my commute to uni via the battered corpse of what was once Northern Rail. It's not the twisted tale of depravity most reviews make it out to be—basically it's just a bit of gore—but there's a reveal towards the end which will 100% make you think "Well why did I have to read all of that?" and grudgingly I admit that that's worth something.
Pnin by Vladimir Nabokov — 8/10 — Tiepolo Blue but if it was good.
In a Garden Burning Gold by Rory Power — 6/10 — Wasn't jazzed about the first half, but the tiny glimpse we get of the Domina family and their country (which I can't name because infuriatingly there's no map) intrigued me just enough to make me finish the book. I will be reading the sequel but I'm not happy about it. It should also be noted that many people on goodreads have categorised this as a queer story but I genuinely can't fathom why. Is it an in-joke? Shipping gone rogue? Maybe you can read it and tell me.
Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turgenev — 9/10 — Pavel is a better man than me, I'd have duelled Bazarov on night two maximum.
Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb — 6/10 — I asked for more Verity and the monkey curled its paw. Very funny that the Fool says "I love you" to Fitz like twice per chapter, on day one of knowing these people Starling tells him "Yeah the Fool is in love with you", and then Fitz has the audacity to be shocked. I treasure each and every one of these idiot characters.
Fool's Errand by Robin Hobb — 8/10 — Each generation of Farseers has one bisexual prince entwined in a nightmarish love triangle with consequences that will echo down the ages and one utter lunatic. Sadly we've had to outsource generation three's lunatic, but I'm thrilled to report that quality has not taken a hit.
Golden Fool by Robin Hobb — 10/10 — I doubt that anyone has ever thought these words but poor Civil. Born to be the bisexual prince entwined in a nightmarish love triangle, cursed to be the lunatic. On a more genuine note this is a brilliant book and no two ways about it. Every character was on top form, every aspect of the plot had my complete attention. I wanted to strangle Fitz at several points but that just means we're back, baby. There is a section in the middle that made very little sense to me because I thought all those people who say you need to read Liveship Traders first were exaggerating, but I imagined myself as someone who knows and cares about these characters and had a great time anyway.
FILMS
Pride (2014) — 7/10 — 1:15:53 you know what I'm talking about, what a wonderful moment. My biggest complaint is all the 'ah, these silly lesbians with their silly female concerns' towards the girls who end up splitting off. Obviously I wasn't there, I don't know how it went down, but the film frames it in a way that encourages the audience to laugh along with misogyny and that's not very fun.
Knives Out — 10/10 — A breath of fresh air amidst the smog of comic adaptations and remakes worse than the original.
Knives Out: Glass Onion — 10/10 —I mean, you've all seen it. It's a great film. A+.
The Age of Innocence (1993) — 3/10 — Didn't really care for the story, some of the characters were interesting, Winona Ryder was magnificent. Given that the authors were friends and read each other's work, I feel almost certain that Wharton's Countess Olenska was modelled on James' Princess Casamassima.
The Assassin of the Tsar — 5/10 — This concept is, in my opinion, so absurd as to be comical but the film takes itself dead seriously. It's...certainly not for everyone.
Seven Years in Tibet — 6/10 — First this, then Troy. You'd think they'd learn their lesson and stop making Brad Pitt do any accent besides his own.
Dune (2021) — 3/10 — I watched this once and dismissed it as style over substance. Then I started thinking about it more and more and thought "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's actually good and just takes a while to sink in." So I watched it again. Oops.
This is Spinal Tap — 10/10 — I feel like watching anything else ever again would simply taint Spinal Tap. How does one move forward from the best film humanity will ever create?
Kill Your Darlings — 7/10 — Everything I know about American literature comes to me from Dead Poets Society so you could tell me that this is all completely true and I'd believe you.
Carol (2015) — 8/10 — Cate Blanchett is never better than in a Patricia Highsmith adaptation.
Nimona — 7/10 — Normally I don't get along very well with stuff meant for a younger audience but you know what? This is a good one. Only a handful of lines made me want to lop an ear off from cringe.
Dear Ex (2018) — 9/10 — A wonderful, sincere little gem deserving of a title far better than the one it has.
Barbie — 7/10 — Good fun.
Baby Driver — 5/10 — Recommended to me by a friend who raved about the diegetic music and how everything lined up which, like, yeah! That was really cool! It would've been nice to get a story with a bit more depth or even a multi-dimensional love interest but I suppose you can't have everything.
Oppenheimer — 10/10 —Left the cinema and felt everything all at once.
Rosaline — 6/10 — Was expecting something in the 'girlbossified retelling' genre so my hopes weren't high. Pleasantly surprised.
Bottoms — 10/10 — I am the target audience for this film. Never before has a piece of media been made to appeal so completely to me.
The Green Knight — 9/10 — Some scenes lingered a bit too long, I think, but a really brilliant film nonetheless.
The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes — 8/10 — Obsessed. The District 12 stuff was way too condensed, a lot of Sejanus content was cut, and I disliked that the ending was made rather less ambiguous, but very loyal to the source material overall. My first thought as I walked out was that it wasn't long enough, but everyone I've spoken to since said that it needed to be shorter, so take that as you will.
The Wonder — 4/10 — On paper I should love this, sadly didn't quite click.
May December — 8/10 — The opposite of Dune in that I didn't like it at first, kept thinking about it, watched it again and loved it.
Another Country — 9/10 — Maurice's more depressing cousin. I do feel that if they wanted to make a biopic that badly then they should have just...made the biopic.
Saltburn — 2/10 — Emerald Fennell and James Cahill have an awful lot in common, I think. Someone ought to set them up for lunch.
TV SERIES
Interview with the Vampire — 9/10 — Sam Reid is Lestat and Jacob Anderson is Louis. I cannot believe that we have been blessed with such a spectacular adaptation. I was also really thrilled about Damon Daunno's cameo because he has the most beautiful voice and I am reduced to tears whenever I hear him sing. Admittedly he didn't sing and I cried for another reason, but you can't deny the man can act.
The Letter for the King — 7/10 — Can't remember the last time I was so upset about squandered character potential. Prince Viridian is just fascinating, but they waste him completely. The show makes a point of depicting him as someone who isn't evil so much as he is deeply ill, and then proceeds to treat him like he's a fundamentally terrible person anyway which feels...not great? On another note, I'm so in love with the "and hated me for every second of it" scene in episode 6 that I've gone back to watch just that several times. Why they decided to shoehorn the Jussipo/Foldo thing into the last half-hour but let Viridian and Jabroot spend six episodes angstily dancing around each other with scene after scene like that will forever elude me.
Half Bad — 9/10 — I read all three of the books years ago and apparently don't remember a single thing about the story. I know I didn't really care for them which seems insane because this is the sort of thing I've always gone feral for.
1899 — 4/10 — Started off very strong; the last few episodes took it so far off the rails that I completely lost interest. I am Aneurin Barnard's biggest fan, however, so getting to watch him frolic about a Victorian ocean liner looking dark and broody meant that it wasn't a total loss.
Euphoria — 5/10 —Unbelievably melodramatic but it's so fun and well put together that you can't help but enjoy it.
The Last Kingdom (Season 1) — 1/10 — After watching this I read that it's based on a book series by Bernard Cornwell which is exactly what it felt like.
The Last of Us — 9/10 — Sorry! Can't talk about this in an interesting way because the game is one of the biggest reasons that I am generally the way that I am. I will forever have a huge Ellie-shaped dent in my brain which, unfortunately, makes it impossible for me to be normal about this story.
Shadow and Bone (Season 2) — 4/10 — Oh, what have they done to you...
Stranger Things — 8/10 —I love Robin I would kill for Robin; the scene where she comes out to Steve? I was in floods of tears.
Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story — 5/10 — By all means passable. The only thing I really hated was the way they treated Princess Charlotte and Leopold as a punchline. She died an awful death and her husband was devastated, it's such a weird thing to make into a recurring joke.
Yellowjackets — 7/10 — Don't at all care for the 2021 timeline but I have a thing for disaster-horror so the 1996 timeline is made for me.
Heartstopper (Season 2) — 6/10 —An undeniable improvement! The dialogue's more polished, the acting's better, there's a little bit of tooth to the story. I also love to see Letter For The King alumni kicking about in other things so that was a pleasant surprise—playing exactly the opposite character and all.
The Borgias — 7/10 — Season one was fine, season two was one of the best series of television I have ever watched, season three made me want to pluck an eye out. A rollercoaster much like the Borgia rule. Holliday Grainger please call me.
Castlevania: Nocturne — 5/10 —Picked up steam towards the second half but, as with 'original' Castlevania, I think I'll much prefer the latter seasons...if we get there.
Skins (Seasons 1 & 2) — 7/10 — Characterisation in this show is unfathomably good. Many other brilliant things happened between the first few minutes of S1E1 and the end of the show but there will forever be a special place in my heart for "God, I'm good". Unfortunately I do not care for Effie so can't bring myself to go on.
Sex Education (Season 4) — 3/10 — Something went badly wrong in the writer's room I think.
The Fall of the House of Usher — 5/10 — The only Flannigan work I've really loved was Midnight Mass, which I'm beginning to think was a fluke. I'm glad that Kitsey from The Goldfinch is getting good roles, though, because I do enjoy her.
Broadchurch (Season 1) — 7/10 — A few moments here and there were a bit hammy and some things could have been handled better, but I spent the entirety of the last episode writhing about in horror so that has to count for something.
The Gilded Age (Season 2) — 3/10 — This is the worst show on television and I will kill someone if I don't get ten seasons of it.
THEATRE
Carmen (Live | Dnipro Opera) — 6/10 — The singing and music were fine on the whole. Set design, costumes, and choreography (except for Escamillo's entrance, which was very cool) were underwhelming, but then I suppose allowances have to be made because it's a touring production. Carmen could not act to save her life.
A Little Life (Live | Original Cast) — 8/10 — The ultimate trauma bonding experience. Wanted to go and harrass James Norton about War and Peace at the stage door but I was too much of a coward so my questions go unanswered. Luke Thompson is wasted on Bridgerton.
Julius Caesar (Live | Royal Shakespeare Company) — 8/10 — Exceptionally well-performed with brilliant staging. For the love of god, though, I wish we could be done with this era of sticking all the actors in monochrome casual-wear and setting them loose on a similarly monochrome, minimalist set. It's not artsy. It's tired and dull. I was also going to complain about the werewolf dance routine but I'd have to explain it and to be honest no words could paint a picture of what all of us in that theatre experienced.
Jesus Christ Superstar (Live | Touring Cast) — 7/10 — Julian Clary as Herod is a torture technique designed to specifically target me.
Nerdy Prudes Must Die (Proshot | Original Cast) — 5/10 — Wish it were better.
Hamilton (Live | Touring Cast) — 7/10 — Is it me or are touring productions steadily decreasing in quality? It was fine, it was Hamilton, Eliza was wonderful, nobody tripped over their words, but it was noticeably rough around the edges.
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