The Media I Consumed In 2024

By now I'd imagine most of you know the drill, but for any newcomers:

Here you will find a list of everything I watched/read to completion in 2024, colour-coded by whether or not I would consider it 'queer media', with a rating out of ten and either a tiny (generally spoiler-free) review or silly comment to round it all out nicely.

As you will see, this year I went through a lengthy 'horrific things happening in cold places' spell. I was teetering on the edge of some kind of breakdown for a while and the idea of being somewhere empty and freezing where bad things happen to you through little fault of your own and whether you live through it or not you're completely changed afterwards was very appealing. God knows what that says about me. 

If you haven't the time or the will to sift through all this, and I certainly wouldn't blame you, here's the highlight reel:

Best Book: Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Best Film: Society of the Snow

Best TV: Wolf Hall (Season 2)

Best Theatre: Hadestown (Live | West End Cast)

And now for the Meat...

 BOOKS

Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice — 8/10 — I have no illusions about myself and I know for a fact that if I were in a vampire story I would be Daniel Molloy. 

If Not, Winter: Fragments of Sappho (translated) by Anne Carson — N/A — Not really substantial enough to be rated, but beautifully presented and valuable to massive nerds such as myself. 

Luck in the Shadows by Lynn Flewelling — 5/10 — Love the characters but the prose is meh and the structure is like...oddly weighted is the only way I can describe it. We spent so long on Alec being My Fair Lady-ed that by the time someone started talking about the disc again I'd completely forgotten that I wasn't reading a low-stakes society drama. 

The Girls by Emma Cline — 8/10 — Cline's style is her greatest strength and her greatest weakness. I wish there'd been a touch more deviation from history; as it is the book is practically a 1:1 replication with the names slightly changed. It should be noted that I read this in one sitting immediately after watching Society of the Snow which, in combination with real-life happenings, was a disastrous move for my mental health. So don't do that. 

The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov — 8/10 — I think I may actually like it more than I remember, but I was still a bit iffy at the time and not paying it the attention I should have. Full of little things that have stuck in my brain. 

Lady Caroline Lamb: A Free Spirit by Antonia Fraser — 8/10 — Fraser is one of those very voice-y aristocrats in the vein of Simon Sebag Montefiore, but she's a lot less conceited and you'd be surprised at the wonders that can do for a biography. 

The Climb: Tragic Ambitions on Everest by Anatoli Boukreev and Gary Weston DeWalt — 10/10 — You live through this and decide to keep climbing mountains. My god man, take a hint. 

Dark Matter by Michelle Paver — 8/10 — I would've liked it a lot more if a certain death hadn't occurred 5 minutes from the finish line. Cheap and unnecessary and I'm not just saying that because I'm bitter (though I am)!

Alive by Piers Paul Read — 9/10 — I really don't know why I did this to myself. 

Thin Air by Michelle Paver — 4/10 — I almost wish I hadn't read this because it made me think less of Paver as an author. If you want to read one of her 'cold horror' books then pick one and ignore the second, lest you have the "Oh, I see what we're doing" revelation I had twenty pages into Thin Air. And don't pick this one. 

Society of the Snow by Pablo Vierci — 10/10 — There's nothing I can say about this that can possibly do it justice, except that something in my brain has been permanently knocked a little askew. 

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte — 10/10 — Not to be one of those people who says 'Nobody understands classic lit like I do' but nobody understands Wuthering Heights like I do. Emily I saw the messages you were sending me through the book.

FILMS

Napoleon — 3/10 — Can't remember why I coloured this green and that's really thrown me, but I can't bear to watch it again and find out. Possibly I was distracted by Vanessa Kirby? Anyway don't bother.

Society of the Snow — 10/10 — Film of the year, film of the decade, mayhaps film of the century. For the love of god pick your moment wisely.

Killers of the Flower Moon — 8/10 — Hurt by its length but at the same time I don't know what could've been cut. Weird one. 

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood — 5/10 — Would've loved to be a fly on the wall at this pitch meeting.

Kind Hearts and Coronets — 10/10 — Could not have appealed more to me if I'd written it myself. 

Rebel Without a Cause — 7/10 — God I was so into it and then it just ended. No closure. What are we doing.

Taxi Driver — 5/10 — I am going to bravely admit that I don't get it.

The Social Network — 7/10 — Not bad, but I don't see why everyone raves so much about it. At the very least it's leagues above its copycats. 

Catch Me If You Can — 8/10 — Fun!

Dune Part II — 8/10 — So good that it almost tricked me into thinking I liked the first one. I don't know why so many filmmakers these days are allergic to opulence and beauty, though. Surely not every house employs the same brutally minimalist interior designer. 

Shaun of the Dead — 7/10 —A little twee, but I still had a great time. 

The Personal History of David Copperfield — 4/10 —Such a shame. The actors are great, the set design and costumes are wonderful, but the way it was adapted just kind of guts the story. 

Everest (2015) — 6/10 — Jon Krakauer is upset that this film depicts him being asleep in his tent during an event he famously missed due to being asleep in his tent. If I were him I wouldn't be whining, lest someone bring up my poor reputation in the mountaineering community. Then again, if I were him I wouldn't have lobbed unprovoked criticism at the guy who did the rescuing while I slept in my tent. 

Challengers — 10/10 — This is what's happening in my head when I read a Realm of the Elderlings book.

The Virgin Suicides — 5/10 — Did Kirsten Dunst somehow become...worse at acting as she aged?

How To Steal a Million — 10/10 — Oh my god this is good. Like you don't need me to tell you that, but everything in this film works so well it's unbelievable. If I could buy a physical copy of the soundtrack for less than £467 it would never leave my CD player. 

My Own Private Idaho — 6/10 — Bizarrely charming or charmingly bizarre? It's hard not to feel pity for Keanu Reeves as River Phoenix acts circles around him for hours on end. 

Cursed (2005) — 2/10 — I read about what this film could have been, what it was until Weinstein scrapped the footage, and wept a little.

The Witch (2015) — 10/10 — I'm not a 'girlhood' 'coquette' sort of feminist and I always have that one Ursula K. LeGuin quote running through my mind, but for a very brief moment towards the end of this film I did absolutely get it. 

The Bounty (1984) — 8/10 — ONE COCONUT MR. CHRISTIAN!!!

Bend it Like Beckham — 7/10 — These are lesbians. 

The Village (2004) — 10/10 — Well I don't know what everyone else's problem is because I think it's great.

Lost in Translation — 7/10 — Spent most of the runtime having an existential crisis about the fact that Scarlett Johansson was nineteen during this film. 

Trap — 6/10 — It started out (I think intentionally) cheesy but pretty good...and then it kept going...and going...and it just wouldn't stop. 

Little Women (1994) — 10/10 — I'm sure you don't need to me to describe it to you.

View from the Top — 3/10 — Don't enjoy that I have to colour this purple. 

Emily (2022) — 7/10 — People aren't going to like this but I think that if we're making up boyfriends whole cloth then we should at least have the courage to make Branwell gay. 

Fanny & Alexander — 10/10 — One of the filmiest films I've ever seen and I adored every single minute of it. Just gorgeous. 

The Mummy (1999) — 7/10 — A little overhyped but a good time nonetheless.

TV SERIES

The Terror — 9/10 — Would've been a 10/10 if not for the fact that we not only see tuunbaq, but we see tuunbaq repeatedly and at length. So much of this is about fear of the unknown and I think it really undercuts that theme to be like well here is the thing actually. 

Domina (Season 1) — 7/10 — Is sometimes written as though the audience won't understand it's set during a different time period with different values and different attitudes to life. 

Gilmore Girls — 6/10 — Both of these women and the men they date annoy me no end, the only saving grace is Paris. Also Kirk. Apparently there was going to be a Jess spin-off and I'd give my firstborn child to see what a mess that would've been. 

Young Royals (Season 3) — 10/10 — Stuck the landing impeccably. My heart says there were at least another six series in this, my brain says thank god Netflix let their best property die with some dignity.

The Dropout — 9/10 — Stuff like this and Anna Delvey inspire an existential dread in me about how the fate of nations depend on like ten people with far more money than sense.

The Americans (Season 1) — 8/10 — The Platonic ideal of a TV series. 

Chernobyl — 10/10 — 2018-19 there was something in the water, what a run of prestige miniseries.

Dead Boy Detectives — 3/10 — Absolutely dreadful, I hope it runs for five seasons minimum (note from the future: ☹️)

Bridgerton (Season 3) — 2/10 — The first two were hardly prestige television but I did largely enjoy them. We've taken a very steep nosedive and I'm not convinced we're going to recover. 

Interview with the Vampire (Season 2) — 9/10 — I put off watching episode seven because I knew what was coming and would you believe it I wept from minute one to the bitter end. My mother adores Lestat. 

Twenty Twelve — 6/10 — So that's all good then. 

House of the Dragon (Season 2) — 7/10 — I went through the opposite experience to most viewers in that I started out deeply unhappy and the show regained my trust with each subsequent episode. 

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder — 8/10 — I never read the book but several of my friends did and frankly they should have pitched it to me better. 

House M.D. — 8/10 — My original comment here was another Challengers joke but I no longer remember what I meant and if I can't figure it out then you definitely won't. 

North & South (2004) — 8/10 — Watching this as someone whose hometown is mentioned in "It's Grim Up North" I can promise it's not quite that drab, but the story's certainly popular for a reason. 

Heartstopper (Season 3) — 1/10 — I think the presence of Foldo from The Letter for the King distracted me so much last season that I forgot I was basically watching terrible actors read aloud from a textbook about queer identity and mental health. It didn't work this time. 

Sweetpea — 10/10 — Love to see Ella Purnell starring as a repressed bisexual in a horror/comedy series.

The Diplomat — 7/10 — Usually I hate these sorts of things but every so often they make a good one! 

The Empress (Season 2) — 4/10 — This could be really good but they just refuse to stop making bizarre choices. Why is so much time dedicated to that one woman and her fiance? Why did we need the 'illegal homosexuality' episode which is totally unconnected to anything else? Why do the costumes look like that?

Wolf Hall (Season 2) — 10/10 — Once again I wept through the entire last episode. Literally what can I say? Costumes impeccable, acting incomparable, music just spectacular. Will surely be revered for generations to come. 

THEATRE

Jesus Christ Superstar (Live | Touring Cast) — 9/10 — Exactly the same cast as last time (minus Julian Clary thank god) but the months of doing it over and over again have clearly paid off. Excepting the microphone thing which does put me off a bit, I can't think of anything that would've made it better. Hannah Richardson please call me. 

Hadestown (Live | West End Cast) — 10/10 — Everything I thought it would be and more. 

Wicked (Live | Touring Cast) — 1/10 — A friend offered me this ticket, dinner, and a trip to Liverpool for free and even that didn't make up for the two hours and forty five minutes of life I lost enduring this show. Stephen Schwartz wrote 'All I Ever Wanted' from The Prince of Egypt. He wrote 'Hellfire', 'The Bells of Notre Dame'. I genuinely cannot believe this. 

Absalom & Eteri (Live | Tbilisi State Opera) — 5/10 — It only premiered internationally this year and frankly I get it. It's just sort of okay. Costumes, set design and so on were astounding. As we were leaving I saw two obviously English girls in the lobby and commented on it to my friends who ignored me, and then several weeks later it turned out that they were also on their year abroad studying Russian at our tiny language school. Moral of the story is that I'm right about everything all the time. 

The Media I Consumed in 2023

They say everyone's a critic, and I think we can all agree that no critic is harsher than a teenage girl. 

Much like last year, I have compiled a list of every piece of media I consumed to completion between 1/1/23 and 31/12/23, along with my surely fascinating thoughts about them—all colour-coded for your (and future me's) convenience! Excepting live stage productions, I haven't included rereads or rewatches. Mostly spoiler-free, but I couldn't stop myself from going into detail about...certain things. You have been warned. 

The queer media bar was much lower (and much less abstract) than last year's. This time, the criterion was as simple as Is there queer representation? It didn't have to be 'good' representation, in fact I much prefer the opposite, it just had to be there with some meaningful impact. Behold the code:

Explicit

To some extent /word of god/that one bit in The Winter Prince

Nowhere to be found

If you haven't the patience to sift through all this (and I really can't blame you), here are the ones you should go out of your way to watch and read:

Favourite book: The Winter Prince by Elizabeth Wein

Favourite film: Bottoms

Favourite TV series: Interview With The Vampire

Favourite theatre(?): A Little Life

And now for the details...

BOOKS

The Praise Singer by Mary Renault — 8/10 — Haven't the energy to unpack it further but I think there's a real significance to this being the last of her Greek novels (excepting Funeral Games which I don't really count) and The Last of the Wine being the first. Something something reflections of each other. 

Tiepolo Blue by James Cahill — 1/10 — I've rewritten this paragraph about five times because I can't articulate what it is about this book that I dislike so strongly. It's vulgar in a way that isn't clever or making any kind of commentary; just unpleasant for the sake of shock value. The protagonist doesn't learn or change at all; if he'd become worse, even, that might've at least been interesting. The big twist is neither big nor a twist. An incomparably hollow thing.

An Oresteia (translated) by Anne Carson — 10/10 — Carson's sense of humour is exquisite. 

Alexander the Great by Robin Lane Fox — 8/10 — Irrefutably a book about Alexander the Great. Fox uses the phrase "the sequel" far too often for my liking, but then again people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 

This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone— 5/10 — A little much, I think. The language is so flowery by the end that I genuinely don't have a clue of what happened in the last few pages. 

The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake — 1/10 — If you can't juggle six viewpoint characters the solution is not to condense them all down into cardboard cutouts. 

Anna by Cynthia Harrod-Eagles — 5/10 — Let down badly by the second half, though I'm willing to admit that most of that is due to my own sensibilities. Justice for Boris and Jean Luc!

Dear Evan Hansen: The Novel by Val Emmich, Benj Pasek, Steven Levenson, and Justin Paul— 3/10 — The horse is dead, guys. No number of secret gay boyfriends is going to revive it.  

The Winter Prince by Elizabeth Wein — 10/10 —Intense. Very intense. I'd love to write a real piece about this someday. I know that the whole "Your beauty makes me sick" speech and subsequent incident are what people tend to focus on (and for good reason, my god) but personally, I'm obsessed with that bit where Medraut says something actually very reasonable about how Artos can't expect him to be constantly watching out for Lleu and then immediately starts comparing himself to Cain. So funny and so painful. 

S by Doug Dorst and J. J. Abrams —3/10— You could chop the last three quarters of this book off and come away with the same amount of information.

Petrograd: The City of Trouble by Meriel Buchanan — 10/10 — It sounds very wishy-washy but Buchanan's descriptions are fascinating and her writing style was exceptional, it makes me wonder why her novels never took off. Exceedingly interesting, as Nicholas II would say. 

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins — 10/10 — I went in expecting a simplistic cash-grab and was very wrong. There's a much darker, bleaker tone to this when compared with the original trilogy which I personally prefer. Obsessed with Sejanus Plinth. 

You've Lost a Lot of Blood by Eric LaRocca — 4/10 — Most of the horror I experienced while reading this novel came from the fact that I was reading it on my commute to uni via the battered corpse of what was once Northern Rail. It's not the twisted tale of depravity most reviews make it out to be—basically it's just a bit of gore—but there's a reveal towards the end which will 100% make you think "Well why did I have to read all of that?" and grudgingly I admit that that's worth something. 

Pnin by Vladimir Nabokov — 8/10 — Tiepolo Blue but if it was good. 

In a Garden Burning Gold by Rory Power — 6/10 — Wasn't jazzed about the first half, but the tiny glimpse we get of the Domina family and their country (which I can't name because infuriatingly there's no map) intrigued me just enough to make me finish the book. I will be reading the sequel but I'm not happy about it. It should also be noted that many people on goodreads have categorised this as a queer story but I genuinely can't fathom why. Is it an in-joke? Shipping gone rogue? Maybe you can read it and tell me. 

Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turgenev — 9/10 — Pavel is a better man than me, I'd have duelled Bazarov on night two maximum. 

Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb — 6/10 — I asked for more Verity and the monkey curled its paw. Very funny that the Fool says "I love you" to Fitz like twice per chapter, on day one of knowing these people Starling tells him "Yeah the Fool is in love with you", and then Fitz has the audacity to be shocked. I treasure each and every one of these idiot characters. 

Fool's Errand by Robin Hobb — 8/10 — Each generation of Farseers has one bisexual prince entwined in a nightmarish love triangle with consequences that will echo down the ages and one utter lunatic. Sadly we've had to outsource generation three's lunatic, but I'm thrilled to report that quality has not taken a hit. 

Golden Fool by Robin Hobb — 10/10 — I doubt that anyone has ever thought these words but poor Civil. Born to be the bisexual prince entwined in a nightmarish love triangle, cursed to be the lunatic. On a more genuine note this is a brilliant book and no two ways about it. Every character was on top form, every aspect of the plot had my complete attention. I wanted to strangle Fitz at several points but that just means we're back, baby. There is a section in the middle that made very little sense to me because I thought all those people who say you need to read Liveship Traders first were exaggerating, but I imagined myself as someone who knows and cares about these characters and had a great time anyway. 

FILMS

Pride (2014) — 7/10 — 1:15:53 you know what I'm talking about, what a wonderful moment. My biggest complaint is all the 'ah, these silly lesbians with their silly female concerns' towards the girls who end up splitting off. Obviously I wasn't there, I don't know how it went down, but the film frames it in a way that encourages the audience to laugh along with misogyny and that's not very fun. 

Knives Out — 10/10 — A breath of fresh air amidst the smog of comic adaptations and remakes worse than the original.

Knives Out: Glass Onion — 10/10 —I mean, you've all seen it. It's a great film. A+. 

The Age of Innocence (1993) — 3/10 — Didn't really care for the story, some of the characters were interesting, Winona Ryder was magnificent. Given that the authors were friends and read each other's work, I feel almost certain that Wharton's Countess Olenska was modelled on James' Princess Casamassima.

The Assassin of the Tsar — 5/10 — This concept is, in my opinion, so absurd as to be comical but the film takes itself dead seriously. It's...certainly not for everyone.

Seven Years in Tibet — 6/10 — First this, then Troy. You'd think they'd learn their lesson and stop making Brad Pitt do any accent besides his own.

Dune (2021) — 3/10 — I watched this once and dismissed it as style over substance. Then I started thinking about it more and more and thought "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's actually good and just takes a while to sink in." So I watched it again. Oops.

This is Spinal Tap — 10/10 — I feel like watching anything else ever again would simply taint Spinal Tap. How does one move forward from the best film humanity will ever create?

Kill Your Darlings — 7/10 — Everything I know about American literature comes to me from Dead Poets Society so you could tell me that this is all completely true and I'd believe you. 

Carol (2015) — 8/10 — Cate Blanchett is never better than in a Patricia Highsmith adaptation. 

Nimona — 7/10 — Normally I don't get along very well with stuff meant for a younger audience but you know what? This is a good one. Only a handful of lines made me want to lop an ear off from cringe. 

Dear Ex (2018) — 9/10 — A wonderful, sincere little gem deserving of a title far better than the one it has.

Barbie — 7/10 — Good fun. 

Baby Driver — 5/10 — Recommended to me by a friend who raved about the diegetic music and how everything lined up which, like, yeah! That was really cool! It would've been nice to get a story with a bit more depth or even a multi-dimensional love interest but I suppose you can't have everything.

Oppenheimer — 10/10 —Left the cinema and felt everything all at once.

Rosaline — 6/10 — Was expecting something in the 'girlbossified retelling' genre so my hopes weren't high. Pleasantly surprised. 

Bottoms — 10/10 — I am the target audience for this film. Never before has a piece of media been made to appeal so completely to me. 

The Green Knight — 9/10 — Some scenes lingered a bit too long, I think, but a really brilliant film nonetheless. 

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes — 8/10 — Obsessed. The District 12 stuff was way too condensed, a lot of Sejanus content was cut, and I disliked that the ending was made rather less ambiguous, but very loyal to the source material overall. My first thought as I walked out was that it wasn't long enough, but everyone I've spoken to since said that it needed to be shorter, so take that as you will. 

The Wonder — 4/10 — On paper I should love this, sadly didn't quite click.

May December — 8/10 — The opposite of Dune in that I didn't like it at first, kept thinking about it, watched it again and loved it. 

Another Country — 9/10 — Maurice's more depressing cousin. I do feel that if they wanted to make a biopic that badly then they should have just...made the biopic. 

Saltburn — 2/10 — Emerald Fennell and James Cahill have an awful lot in common, I think. Someone ought to set them up for lunch.  

TV SERIES

Interview with the Vampire — 9/10 — Sam Reid is Lestat and Jacob Anderson is Louis. I cannot believe that we have been blessed with such a spectacular adaptation. I was also really thrilled about Damon Daunno's cameo because he has the most beautiful voice and I am reduced to tears whenever I hear him sing. Admittedly he didn't sing and I cried for another reason, but you can't deny the man can act.

The Letter for the King — 7/10 — Can't remember the last time I was so upset about squandered character potential. Prince Viridian is just fascinating, but they waste him completely. The show makes a point of depicting him as someone who isn't evil so much as he is deeply ill, and then proceeds to treat him like he's a fundamentally terrible person anyway which feels...not great? On another note, I'm so in love with the "and hated me for every second of it" scene in episode 6 that I've gone back to watch just that several times. Why they decided to shoehorn the Jussipo/Foldo thing into the last half-hour but let Viridian and Jabroot spend six episodes angstily dancing around each other with scene after scene like that will forever elude me. 

Half Bad — 9/10 — I read all three of the books years ago and apparently don't remember a single thing about the story. I know I didn't really care for them which seems insane because this is the sort of thing I've always gone feral for.

1899 — 4/10 — Started off very strong; the last few episodes took it so far off the rails that I completely lost interest. I am Aneurin Barnard's biggest fan, however, so getting to watch him frolic about a Victorian ocean liner looking dark and broody meant that it wasn't a total loss.

Euphoria — 5/10 —Unbelievably melodramatic but it's so fun and well put together that you can't help but enjoy it.

The Last Kingdom (Season 1) — 1/10 — After watching this I read that it's based on a book series by Bernard Cornwell which is exactly what it felt like. 

The Last of Us — 9/10 — Sorry! Can't talk about this in an interesting way because the game is one of the biggest reasons that I am generally the way that I am. I will forever have a huge Ellie-shaped dent in my brain which, unfortunately, makes it impossible for me to be normal about this story.

Shadow and Bone (Season 2) — 4/10 — Oh, what have they done to you...

Stranger Things — 8/10 —I love Robin I would kill for Robin; the scene where she comes out to Steve? I was in floods of tears.

Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story — 5/10 — By all means passable. The only thing I really hated was the way they treated Princess Charlotte and Leopold as a punchline. She died an awful death and her husband was devastated, it's such a weird thing to make into a recurring joke. 

Yellowjackets — 7/10 — Don't at all care for the 2021 timeline but I have a thing for disaster-horror so the 1996 timeline is made for me.

Heartstopper (Season 2) — 6/10 —An undeniable improvement! The dialogue's more polished, the acting's better, there's a little bit of tooth to the story. I also love to see Letter For The King alumni kicking about in other things so that was a pleasant surprise—playing exactly the opposite character and all. 

The Borgias — 7/10 — Season one was fine, season two was one of the best series of television I have ever watched, season three made me want to pluck an eye out. A rollercoaster much like the Borgia rule. Holliday Grainger please call me.

Castlevania: Nocturne — 5/10 —Picked up steam towards the second half but, as with 'original' Castlevania, I think I'll much prefer the latter seasons...if we get there.

Skins (Seasons 1 & 2) — 7/10 — Characterisation in this show is unfathomably good. Many other brilliant things happened between the first few minutes of S1E1 and the end of the show but there will forever be a special place in my heart for "God, I'm good". Unfortunately I do not care for Effie so can't bring myself to go on. 

Sex Education (Season 4) — 3/10 — Something went badly wrong in the writer's room I think.

The Fall of the House of Usher — 5/10 — The only Flannigan work I've really loved was Midnight Mass, which I'm beginning to think was a fluke. I'm glad that Kitsey from The Goldfinch is getting good roles, though, because I do enjoy her. 

Broadchurch (Season 1) — 7/10 — A few moments here and there were a bit hammy and some things could have been handled better, but I spent the entirety of the last episode writhing about in horror so that has to count for something. 

The Gilded Age (Season 2) — 3/10 — This is the worst show on television and I will kill someone if I don't get ten seasons of it. 

THEATRE

Carmen (Live | Dnipro Opera) — 6/10 — The singing and music were fine on the whole. Set design, costumes, and choreography (except for Escamillo's entrance, which was very cool) were underwhelming, but then I suppose allowances have to be made because it's a touring production. Carmen could not act to save her life. 

A Little Life (Live | Original Cast) — 8/10 — The ultimate trauma bonding experience. Wanted to go and harrass James Norton about War and Peace at the stage door but I was too much of a coward so my questions go unanswered. Luke Thompson is wasted on Bridgerton.

Julius Caesar (Live | Royal Shakespeare Company) — 8/10 — Exceptionally well-performed with brilliant staging. For the love of god, though, I wish we could be done with this era of sticking all the actors in monochrome casual-wear and setting them loose on a similarly monochrome, minimalist set. It's not artsy. It's tired and dull. I was also going to complain about the werewolf dance routine but I'd have to explain it and to be honest no words could paint a picture of what all of us in that theatre experienced.

Jesus Christ Superstar (Live | Touring Cast) — 7/10 — Julian Clary as Herod is a torture technique designed to specifically target me.

Nerdy Prudes Must Die (Proshot | Original Cast) — 5/10 — Wish it were better.

Hamilton (Live | Touring Cast) — 7/10 — Is it me or are touring productions steadily decreasing in quality? It was fine, it was Hamilton, Eliza was wonderful, nobody tripped over their words, but it was noticeably rough around the edges. 

The (Incomplete) Diaries of Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich — March 1880

14th March. Friday — St. Petersburg

In yesterday's order for the guards' crew, the officers were outlined according to the courts. On the frigate "Duke of Edinburgh", on which my father intends to send me as a senior lieutenant to circumnavigate the world, midshipmen have been appointed: both Stelimans, Prince Shcherbatov, Nilov, Prince Baryatinsky, Arsenyev, Count Tolstoy, and Prince Dondukov-Korsakov. They're saying that A. V. Menshikov will be the second lieutenant on the "Duke". I am glad that during the three-year voyage I will live among good, familiar, and friendly people. All my dreams have come true; it remains to thank God that I won't leave society comrades with whom I have lived for almost ten years.—It's just a pity that Poretsky and Dzhanger didn't get on the "Duke". Last Tuesday, at the party of Countess Annette Komarovskaya, Turgenev was telling me about the most recent and not completely finished picture by Kuindzhi; he described it so artistically that I certainly wanted to compare the story with the original myself. Yesterday Ilya Alexandrovich and I went to find Kuindzhi's workshop, he lives on Vasilievsky Island, on Maly Prospekt, f[loor]. 16, r[oom]. 4. Barely found the workshop after crawling through different corners for a quarter of an hour. It is situated beneath the roof itself and, probably, was converted for photography. Kuindzhi himself is short, fat, with a big blond head and lively blue eyes. He did not know me and looked at me with some surprise, especially since he did not expect to find an art lover beneath a naval uniform. However, he very politely invited us into the studio and put us in front of his painting. I was sort of frozen in place. I saw before me the image of a wide river; a full moon illuminates it for a long distance, about thirty versts. I experienced this feeling when I went out on an elevated hill, from which in the distance a majestic river illuminated by the moon is visible. It takes your breath away, you can't tear yourself away from the dazzling, magical image, the soul yearns. In Kuindzhi's painting all this is expressed, at the sight of it you also feel that you are in front of a real river, shining with a bright light in the middle of the night's darkness. I told Kuindzhi that I was buying his wonderful work; I deeply loved this painting and would sacrifice a lot for it. All day afterwards, when I closed my eyes I saw this picture.

15th March. Saturday —2nd w[ee]k of fasting

I was afraid for Olya all this day. I consider the fifteenth to be fatal. Eugene died on the fifteenth, Gavrishev—on the fifteenth, Vyacheslav also on the fifteenth. There is still no news about Olya's deliverance from burden. Yulia Feodorovna Abaza invited me to a musical morning. They played an excerpt from the opera "The Demon"by A. Rubinstein. The author himself accompanied on piano. A. V. Panaeva sang the part of Tamara, the Demon was sung by Ryanishnikov. Elena of Mecklenburg sang the Angel. [They] played the first scene of the first act and the entire last act. I found that the music of "The Demon" is better in a room compared with a theatre. "The Demon" is certainly very difficult to stage well. Beginning with the figure of the Demon itself and [continuing with] the whole setting. This opera is wasted on a stage—Pryanishnikov was very good; his voice was remarkably pleasant and his manner of singing also...

16th March. Sunday

The Empress' health is getting worse and worse, Botkin has little hope. The divorce was refused. Prince Orlov, our ambassador to France, has arrived in St. Petersburg. He listened to obednya with us. They sang beautifully...

17th March. Monday

The day of St. Alexei Man of God, the name day of A. V. Menshikov. I gave him a black silver pig with red eyes, it is presently in great use and called porte-bonheur...On Friday I planned an evening, again on behalf of Mama and in her rooms. This time the bait will be I. S. Turgenev. Eugenie [sic] will arrive with her husband, Varvara Ilinichna, Tatiana Mikhailovna, Ms. Naryshkina, Ms. Mukhortova etc.

19th March. Wednesday

The people from my company assigned to Power were sent to Krondstadt today. Vereshchagin's paintings were exhibited in the Concert Hall of the Winter Palace, where they were viewed by the Sovereign. I heard that he was dissatisfied with Vershchagin's direction and did not want to see him. There was an invalid concert at the Bolshoi Theatre. I spent a lovely evening with Vera Vasilievna Butakova: she promised to introduce me to Tchaikovsky, our best composer, and invited him too. Also there were his brother Anatoli, Apukhtin, and Shcherbatov. Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky looks to be about 35 years old, though his face and greying hair give him an older appearance. He is small, rather thin, with a short beard and gentle intelligent eyes. His movements, manner of speaking and his whole appearance expose an extremely well-mannered, educated, and kind person. He was brought up at the law school, was very unhappy in family life and is now exclusively engaged in music. Apukhtin is known for his exorbitant thickness and beautiful poetic works, which he never agrees to print: he remembers and recites them by heart. Vera Vasilievna begged him to recite something to us; he recited "Venice", his little-known poem. It is so good that, as he speaks, you become afraid that it will end soon, you would like to listen to it again and again. I was forced to play; I wanted to play a Tchaikovsky romance but was afraid. His brother sings; I accompanied him with "A Tear Trembles", then I played "No, only the one knew" and then a romance B-molle[sic?]. P. Tchaikovsky was asked to play something from his new, as yet unpublished opera "Joan of Arc", he sat behind the piano and played a chorus prayer. We were all in ecstasy from the wonderful music, this was the moment when the people recognised a prophetic gift in Joan and she addresses the crowd, offering her exultant prayer to the Lord God. The form of the composition resembles the prayer of the 1st act of Lohengrin: the voices gradually rise, and finally, together with the orchestra, they reach the optissimo with the highest note. This morceau dénsemble should be extremely good and effective on stage. After dinner, Apukhtin read a few more verses of his composition. We parted at 2 o'clock—Tchaikovsky made the most pleasant impression on me. 

22nd March. Saturday

This morning the Tsesarevich held a parade rehearsal in the manege of the Horse Guards. Mitya and I coped quite well with our duties as aides. After Verkhovsky's lecture I went to the company. I was at Varvara Ilinichna's, her son came, a charming little blond boy, sat on the floor and talked very freely. He definitely wants to write Russian history when he grows up. Yesterday evening with Turgenev was upsetting, he was suspected several times of thinking in a revolutionary direction, and though these conjectures are not at all solid, I cannot make Mama the target of vague, meaningless rumours for nothing. —As a consolation I began the evening with Dostoevsky, invited Evgenia, Varvara Ilinichna, Tatiana Mikhailovna. The evening was held in Mama's small study, and I sent out invitations on her behalf, though she could not come herself due to illness. Evgenia was very pleased with Dostoevsky, we talked with him all evening...

23rd March. Sunday

In the morning there was a rehearsal in the manege of the Horse Guards. Prayed very well at obednya. Then they dragged me to the Yacht Club, to ride on an Iceboat. I'm not a fan of all the exercises that the British call sport, and when the sport is also associated with cold, I completely lose heart. But it was awkward to refuse; sailing, although across the ice, involves the sea. I was very cold, I was almost late for dinner at the Sovereign's...

25th. Annunciation

The terrible day has come. Mitya and I were at the Horse Guards' manege by 11 o'clock, it was lavishly decorated with flags, cuirasses, pikes, and helmets. Although it was a little unpleasant for me to participate in the Horse Guards parade as a company commander in a guards carriage, it's still good to occasionally flaunt the beautiful white uniform, I know that it suits me more than all the others, some tell me that with a helmet on my head I look like Nicholas I. In the manege plenty of ladies, impatiently waiting for the spectacle, filled the boxes. Finally, all in full dress, we stood in our places. Generals began to ride up in order of ranks. The tense expectation of the Tsar's arrival increased with each passing moment. Finally, he appeared—"God Save the Tsar" sounded, and a thunderous "hurrah" resounded through the whole manege. The parade was very successful. The Sovereign was rather pleased. I diligently wrote down the music of my new romance, it's almost ready. In the Winter Palace in the concert hall at 6 o'clock the Sovereign had a big dinner for officers of the Cavalry Regiment; I was again in horse guards uniform. Sat between Novoseltsev and Seryozha Bibikov, Varvara Ilinichna's brother. Went to a charity concert made up exclusively of Tchaikovsky's works. Was in red uniform and was terribly embarrassed until the Tsarevna arrived and sat next to me. I had to hurry home, but she wouldn't release me, afraid of being left alone. Finally, we left together...

29th March — 4th w[ee]k of fasting. 

I again want to start writing notes about the 10 days by Silistria; I don't know with what to start and in what form to describe...I read "Notes from the War of 77-78" by a regimental priest in the "Russian Bulletin". 

30th March. 

I'm writing late at night, under the impression of a delightfully spent evening: at mine were P. I. Tchaikovsky, Shcherbatov, and Nilov; the conversation, mainly, was about music and opera. We decided to invite Tchaikovsky to go with us on the "Duke" around the world; he really capitulates to our offer. But there is a major obstacle, whether the authorities will agree. It would be good if fate would arrange this matter. 

31st March.

The other day they chose me to be an honorary member of the society for lovers of natural history, anthropology and ethnography—these Muscovites, probably, felt that I nurture tender feelings for Moscow. 

Alexandra Feodorovna: Misogyny, Medicine, and Won't Somebody Think of the Children?

Hysterical, self-absorbed, and hypochondriacal—this is how many have come to regard Alexandra Feodorovna, the last empress of Russia. You will probably have heard about how she spent her days needlessly lounging in bed or on her famous mauve room sofa, downing medicines and complaining to her long-suffering physicians. 

'It was all in her head' say an alarming number of historians. She was so desperate to be an invalid that she willed herself into being one. Sciatica, heart trouble, insomnia. It all points to a classic case of hysterical woman syndrome; when will they learn to calm down? 

A statement often thrown around is that she neglected her children—forcing them to sit at her bedside all hours of the day, or else forbidding them completely from visiting her. She was so desperate for their attention (something else caused by that pesky hysterical woman syndrome) that she isolated them from the outside world and hindered any attempts of theirs to make friends. 

Most of you will know that all of this is utter rubbish. It takes little research to prove that her children had numerous friends. What troubles me, though, and what is slightly more subjective is the degree to which Alexandra and her children suffered as a result of her alleged illnesses.

I believe that Alexandra suffered a great deal. Yes, psychologically, but also physically. I believe that her illnesses and pains were likely caused (and/or exacerbated) by her mental state—but that they were undeniably real. I also believe that her children were perfectly fine. 

Dearest Mama

Sometime over the next few months, my mother will (hopefully) undergo her fifty-somethingth operation. I say 'fifty-somethingth' because we stopped keeping count a good long time ago, and this is our collective best estimate.

My mother suffers from numerous health issues, the most prominent being...well, nobody really knows. It's so rare that it doesn't have a name. As such, I'm sure you'll understand my reluctance to share potentially identifying details and will suffice to say that it's not very pleasant. 

My family has been lucky enough over the past twenty-odd years to afford the best consultants, specialists, and hospitals. If we couldn't then she would be dead. Absolutely and unequivocally. What horrifies me most is that there are doubtless dozens of women who suffer from the same set of symptoms and have died, or will die, due to luck of birth. If my mother—wealthy white woman that she is—had such difficulty being diagnosed in the first place, never mind having money to throw at treatment after the fact, then God knows what others have had to endure. 

As if that's not enough, she has also suffered countless complications from the operations themselves. My father often recalls taking her to A&E in excruciating pain, and having to personally call her city-based consultant at two in the morning because the local NHS doctors very obviously had no clue what to do or who to contact. On a separate occasion, I remember sitting in an English lesson and trying to surreptitiously google sepsis survival rates because that's what I'd heard the paramedics discussing when they'd carried her out of the house the previous night. 

I'm used to sitting at someone's bedside, or being unable to see them at all. I watched most of my favourite TV shows for the first time on my mother's bed, on my ancient laptop propped up on a stack of cushions between us. I learnt how to occupy myself from a very young age because, often, my mother would be too ill to play with me and my father too tired. 

I know what it's like to be the daughter of an unwell mother.

Have You Tried Not Being Fat?

I suffer from PCOS. It's not at all rare or dangerous, but all the same it's something I'd rather not have. I also suffer from ill-defined and as yet undiagnosed pain in my arms and hands. This, as well as the fact that I am a woman (as implied by the whole PCOS deal), is a winning combination to ensure that I am brushed off by any and all health professionals.  

PCOS is something that exclusively affects those assigned female at birth, and as such it's not something that a lot of research has gone into understanding. This, despite the fact that it's estimated to affect 1 in 10 women. I take Norethisterone to treat irregular periods, and that's great, but this was only prescribed because my mother made one of her doctors see me after I hadn't had a period in nearly a year. My regular GPs (all men, believe it or not) told me repeatedly that the only way to manage it was to lose weight and take painkillers. 

Losing weight and taking painkillers is also what will apparently cure my arm and hand pain. They've done all the tests, they don't know what's causing it, and at this point it's clear they have no interest in finding out. 

In talking to some of my female relatives and friends, as well as reading various pieces of online testimony by strangers, I discovered that this is not uncommon. If you are at all overweight, then losing weight is the cure for all your ills. If doctors do not know what's causing your symptoms, they are likely to conclude that the symptoms are psychological. Women have to repeatedly complain of something in order to be taken seriously. This often leads to being labelled a time-waster or chronic complainer, which only exacerbates the problem. 

Sexism and misogyny are pervasive in Western society, but especially in health and medicine. When compared to men with the same symptoms, women are:

- less likely to be given pain medication.

- more likely to have a delay in diagnosis.

- more likely to be prescribed mood-altering drugs.

Just to name a few.

I'm Sure This Was Supposed to Be About Alexandra Feodorovna 

As you've probably guessed (or so I would hope), I'm deeply interested in how history has painted Alexandra Feodorovna, and how she continues to be viewed today. 

I do not claim that she was without fault, but I'm convinced that the hatred and dismissal she receives are amplified greatly by the fact that she was a woman. Often, I find that she's judged more harshly than her husband—the man at the helm while the ship went down, driving it directly into several icebergs with little need for his wife's input to do so. 

Why historians are still judging women as mothers like it's any reflection of their personal qualities is beyond me, but here we are. I can tell these people firsthand that being a so-called bad mother does not make someone a bad person and vice versa. Why do they expect that Alexandra should have borne her suffering in silence? For the sake of her husband? Her children? If her health issues were solely psychological, as so many seem to think, then why does that make her any less entitled to complain or receive treatment? Unless they think that poor mental health is something that ought to be belittled. 

The reason for all this is, of course, obvious. Good women are quiet and obedient. They don't let their families see their suffering, much less let it impact them in any meaningful way. Good women are cheery and optimistic. They always have a smile on their face and are never anything but friendly to all they meet. 

I am not a good woman. My mother is not a good woman. Alexandra Feodorovna was not a good woman. 

We shouldn't have to be.

The (Incomplete) Diaries of Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich — September, October 1879

 2nd September — Baltic Port

Left the Baltic Port by sail, without any steam, in the morning on my watch at 11 o'clock. During an emergency I'm [to be] on the forecastle, in charge. Sometimes I get involved with the general work, but often I treat the fuss around me so cooly, and such apathy finds me that I fall into a dream, think about something and do not see or hear anything. My comrades will have easily noticed a long time ago that I serve in the navy out of necessity, and not out of my own attraction. I don't brag about my nautical knowledge, and only try to study and learn more. We all love Pavel Pavlovich very much. P. P. Novosilsky, captain of the II rank, commander of the "Svetlana". Though he is often very angry with us for inability or negligence. But he is so earnest and has such a love for naval things, which he knows to the core, and will always teach and help so well that he disarms us all when he is angry with us...

3rd September

With what joy I stood [my] last watch on the move, and did not go downstairs!

4th September

On my watch they started dragging. The flag was lowered at the Merchant's Gate: I crossed myself. Sadly. To lower the flag for the last time, this solemnity really affects the soul. [We] were drawn into the military harbour remarkably quickly, in less than two hours. It's a pity, that the first wonderful minutes of being again at home passed in anticipation. Yesterday, when I approached the palace at Strelna and really did not know whether Mama and Mitya were there, and calmed down when [I] saw the light in the windows—how [my] heart was beating. One of the best feelings in life is expectation and joy when you enter your own door. Approaching the house, every stone, each most insignificant object recalled something from the past. With what pleasure I ran up the stairs and saw the first familiar face. 

24th September

Today, made a big walk to Gatchina. Having arrived at Gatchina, we went straight to see the palace. [We] walked, walked, wandering through all the rooms, curiously examining portraits and all sorts of valuables. Most of all, we were occupied by the rooms of Pavel I, and in particular his bed, transported from St. Petersburg, on which he died. There are spots on the linen and the pillows, similar to bloodstains, which made a heavy impression on me. We stayed for a long time with Nikolai Feodorovich and Pereslavtsev in Pavel Petrovich's rooms, rummaging through his books and papers. We found a bible in a red velvet cover with gold crosses, nested in which are some Masonic addresses with Greek and Latin sayings. In addition, there were several books of mystical content and other writings: memoir de Sully, herbarium, drawings of some unseen flags, sermons, some books from the end of the last century, etc. We were taken to the place of the royal hunt, we were in pens, where wolves and foxes ran free around us, they showed us borzoi and hounds...

26th September — "Svetlana"

In the evening after [playing] screw*, Nikolai Feodorovich read to us a conversation between two of Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov. We listened intently to the development of thoughts and collisions of human inconsistencies, about the torment of children, about the end of existence and the impossibility of harmony. A fierce dispute arose, intelligence went right from the [collective] mind, the whole room was shouting and, of course, did not understand anything. What great power have Dostoevsky's thoughts! He suggests such ideas as become eerie and [make] the hair stand on end. Yes, no country has produced such a writer yet, everything else pales before him.

30th September — St. Petersburg

Today, while we were having tea at my Aunt's and everyone around me was speaking briskly, a blissful moment came over me: I felt as if I were in the kingdom of heaven, I watched, smiling at those around me; life seemed cheerful and pleasant and nothing, it seemed, could disturb my spiritual peace. But soon this state was overshadowed by the thought that such a moment came from a new acquaintance with Christie, i.e. from love for a new friend. It was shameful for me to admit that I can still love friends, believe in friendship enthusiastically, like a child. Today, somehow, my love for Elena suddenly seized me, a longing for her came over me, and my life seemed broken and miserable without her.

8th October[sic] — Strelna

Read the letters of A. S. Pushkin in the complete collection. I liked one letter written in the year '22 to [his] brother in French. Puhskin's brother was leaving school and preparing to enter the world; in the letter I liked the advice about meeting new people. Pushkin warns his younger brother against passions and charms, advises to perhaps have a slim opinion about new acquaintances: it will destroy itself upon closer attachment; thus you will not encounter sad disappointments that so painfully affect a young, trusting soul and destroy the charm and attractiveness of life. I copied this passage into my book.

6th October — Strelna

Christie did not come, and I was dissatisfied with the evening. If only Christie and I together could have had a nice time on the Turkish sofa, stirring up the soul with exorbitant conversations.—In this respect, this captivating friendship with Christie—a true blessing for my little spiritual world, and I thank God for a friend whose presence has such a good influence on me. With all my soul's strength I grasp at every new, sublime thought that keeps me from the dirt of life, from everyday mundanity and empty vanity...

8th October — Marble Palace

I don't seem to have observed in this notebook yet that in the New Year I want to have [a?] company, but until that time I will watch closely. 

*Card game

Source: https://imwerden.de/pdf/romanov_konstantin_dnevniki_vospominaniya_stikhi_pisma_1998__ocr.pdf

The (Incomplete) Diaries of Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich — August 1879

 1st August — Finnish Gulf — "Svetlana"

I am still dissatisfied with sailing work. I often get scared when [the thought of] an independent sailing watch comes into my head. I pray to God a lot, delve into everything surrounding me. I willingly ask advice from Pavel Pavlovich (commander of the "Svetlana"), Skrydlov is not particularly trustworthy. Black moments came flooding in today, I was overcome with melancholy, it seemed to me that I don't know anything and will never learn to be a decent sailor. I reminisced about home, about the Pavlovsky rooms, about the balcony with climbing plants, about quiet days. But here you are preparing for something unexpected every minute...

3rd August — "Svetlana"

Again my head ached and I grew despondent. When my heard hurts, it always makes me melancholic. I remember poetry, I think of how good it would be to not have to serve at all and to study on one's own, and most importantly to stay at home. I kept hearing the wonderful words of "Demon"...

4th August — Baltic Sea

In the morning read about the newest ships of the German fleet. It must have a great future. Watch from 1-6 o'clock. On artillery alarm commanded a battery. About 6 o'clock [we] tore up a training mine—at 12 we were underway, sails fixed, dead calm. 

5th August 

I read Dostoevsky's short story "Poor Folk", the third day of my reading it and I finished it today. I was so terribly sad following the faces from this story, I wanted to find out where in the world there are such people and help them. I scarcely managed to hold it together in the wardroom, went running to my own cabin, knelt by the bed and burst into tears. Couldn't calm down for a long time, the sad incidents of my life came to mind and I cried more and more. All that I have felt over the last few days, all mental hardships flowed out with these tears. Now I feel quite well, and I'm not lazy to go on watch, and am not afraid of anything in the future, and prayed well. 

8th August — Kiel

Again despondency has begun to take me apart, [the prospect of] various festivities in Copenhagen scare me. I try to drive from myself the thought that I don't want to serve in the Navy—this is my home—I must submit to fate. 

9th August

Prayed hard, asking God to help me in my twenty-second year to be an honest man. In the wardroom I was warmly congratulated...

13th August — Copenhagen

I was greeted so sweetly, so cordially, as if I had come to my own home. Both the King and Queen greeted and questioned [me] so affectionately. I was very glad to see our ducky Tsarevna, she has been visiting her former homeland for two months. She took me to her children who wanted to see me, they were lying in their beds and waiting for me...Then the Tsarevna took me to another room, where there were Crown Princess Louise and Princess Alix, beautiful as day, one looks at her [and] she is so amazingly beautiful and sweet.—Then we all came down to the round room for the evening. It was in this room that I saw our Tsarevna for the first time, she was in mourning for her fiancé the Tsesarevich and had not yet been engaged to Sasha. It was 14 years ago in the year '65. 

15th August — Copenhagen

Went to make visits to Princess Caroline, the Crown Prince, and the Dowager Queen. Stood on watch from 6-midnight. Such a life as this is very tedious.

17th August

My watch was from 8 in the morning. The wind (s[outh]w[esterly]) is very fresh, and roars. The senior officer went ashore to the Thorvaldsen Museum, I stayed for him, [so] for the watch I was instead joined by Tolstoy. Thus, for a few hours I'm a senior officer—caliph for an hour; running around the decks, seeing if everything's in order. Second anchor was made. Very fresh. I went ashore...found the Queen, Minnie, and Alix at tea, immediately sat on the floor—ma position[sic?]. Then Minnie took me to Alix's room, lay down on the sofa there, and I sat down on the floor again. So we spent the time until dinner...It is clear that there is and has always been family happiness [here], there are clear and simple relations between everyone, not like we have. I understand that both Sasha and Minnie come here to take a break from the tedious, awkward moral situation in St. Petersburg. Even the children are here somehow more cheerful, freer and at ease. Returned around 9 o'clock. 

18th August

From hour to hour the yacht "Tsarevna" is expected, on which the Tsesarevich should come from Stockholm. At 9 o'clock in the morning went ashore with officers on a lifeboat. Went with Tolstoy, Denisov, and the senior doctor, first to change money and then to the Thorvaldsen Museum. I was overcome by a reverent feeling at the sight of the famous sculptor's simple grave, covered with ivy, in the midst of all his works. I liked his Hermes the best. 

19th August

Finally, the Tsesarevich arrived at 6 in the morning on a private steamer from Malmo. After breakfast I went to visit him and stayed there all day. It was nice to see Sasha and Minnie together, they both look so happy. This time the dinner was festive with music, there were many invited guests who dined in another room, and the family separately in the dining room—the King got up and drank to the health of Sasha, who was very embarrassed and blushed despite his considerable size and heavy form. Sasha is modest and shy to the extreme. In the evening everyone went to the Dowager Queen; she has kept remarkably well, one can't say that she is in her ninth decade; I really like her, such a nice, important old lady, presently you see that she is a queen; both peace and tranquility reign over her, everything is so simple and nice and at the same time on a big foot*. 

20th August

I've been on my watch since noon...telegraphed the Tsesarevich that I would not be there. I haven't yet said anything about our frigate monk; because of him today some troubles occurred on the frigate, which I will use to describe the character of the priest. Father Ilya the second joined the frigate during its voyage from the Novgorod Skovorodsky Monastery; his appearance is very unattractive; he is an elderly man with sparse grey-streaked hair, his forehead is wrinkled and completely sloping upwards—a sign of poor development. Indeed, Father Ilya is extremely, stupidly underdeveloped and he is completely uneducated; he speaks badly, stammering and stuttering even during worship, and pronounces the letter "v" in little Russian [Ukrainian] as "u". As a dark person, he certainly does not mind strong drinks.—In our wardroom society is divided into two halves; at one end of the table are gold-navy, at the other—silver, i.e mechanics and navigator. Today, at dinner, one of the navigators got the Father drunk so that he completely went beyond the bounds of decency, especially as a spiritual person.—Then some went to laugh at the priest, to encourage him to preach a sermon, others, partly me, were indignant about this. However, I confess I could not resist and listened to Father Ilya's "word about the soul". Of course the "word" was a joke, and finally by common efforts [we] persuaded the priest to go to bed in his own cabin. Then the senior officer began to protest, finding that it was extremely indecent to get a priest drunk, that it was disrespectful to the wardroom and disrespectful to the clergy; the guilty young navigator got badly hurt, he was beseiged and he fell silent. 

21st August

After breakfast went ashore. Went to an antiquary, bought myself some old carved cabinets, bought a bronze of Thorvaldsen's Mercury. 

25th August — Copenhagen

I was on watch from 8-12 and during this watch the frigate was visited by the Tsesarevich and Tsarevna. After inspecting the frigate, the Tsesarevich wished to see sailing lessons. We set the sails and then secured them. Then [we] sounded the alarm for the battery; the artillery drill went much better—the best old sailors were on the barge for Sasha and on guard, so there was no one on the main rigging—it's not surprising that the sailing drill could not be brilliant. Nevertheless both the Tsesarevich and the Tsarevna were completely satisfied. 

26th August — "Svetlana"

I was terribly weary—we're leaving tomorrow. I said goodbye to everyone and thanked them for the affectionate welcome...

27th August

We weighed anchor at 7.30 in the morning. Another ten days, maybe less, and I'll be home. I count the days, the numbers, the watches, until I can be idle. Grow more and more impatient all the time.  

The (Incomplete) Diaries of Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich — July 1879

 17th July — Pavlovsk

We are celebrating the 25th anniversary of Papa's deliverance from drowning. This is the day of St. Marina. Papa asked the Sovereign's permission to take a piece from the holy relics, located in the chapel of the Winter Palace in our chapel of marble. Today the relics have been brought to Pavlovsk. A moleben was served, officers who had been on the "Lefort" 25 years ago gathered [here]. We breakfasted solemnly in the Greek hall...

18th July — Krondstadt

The Sovereign reviewed the cruisers "Europe", "Asia" and "Africa"; the gliders "Robber" and "Rider", "Horseman", "Haydamak" and the corvette "Bayan" on the eastern Krondstadt path—I was in the entourage. Accompanying the Sovereign from the family were the Tsesarevich, Papa and Alexei. We left at 12 on the yacht "Alexandria" from St. Petersburg. The weather stood favourably, clouds were in the sky, over time concealing the sun; found it very warm. —The Sovereign first visited "Haydamak", then "Horseman", "Bayan", the American corvette "Enterprise" and "Europe." On "Haydamak" and on "Horseman" they sounded the alarm, the artillery drill was executed with extraordinary speed. Sails were set on the "Bayan." On "Enterprise" a ceremonial march was held. Puppet comedy*.

20th July. Ilya's day — Pavlovsk

Did a big walk with Tatiana Mikhailovna and Pavel Egorovich. We are now good friends. After breakfast all three gathered at Tatiana Mikhailovna's. General Kireyev read us a memo entitled "If we dispose of nihilism", which he wishes to give to the Sovereign. The memo examines the reasons that gave rise to nihilism, and the ways to insure the youth against it. It seems to me that Kireyev misses an advantageous opportunity to remain silent, [in] wanting to give his memo to the Sovereign. I am convinced, that not only will his advice not affect anything, but will even miss [the Sovereign's] ear, even this is the best of evils: he may pay for his words. But I respect Kireyev precisely for the fact that he always acts according to his conscience, and not because it is profitable for him.

22nd July — Pavlovsk

Composed the poem "Willow."

23rd July — Gatchina

We—that is, Mama, Tanya Lazareva and I—conducted Grand Duchess Maria Pavlovna and Vladimir to Gatchina. Once their train set off, we were met at Gatchina Station by P.S. Keppen. We four got into a carriage and were taken to the palace through the garden. Gatchina, its park, its palace bear the stamp of loneliness, ancient history and mystery; whenever you arrive there, you are seized by the spirit of antiquity, which does not belong to any Petersburg country palaces. At Gatchina, involuntarily, from every corner of the old palace chambers, it seems as though there can be heard hidden sighs, muffled tears, and laughter, and laughter [sic], and the fun of past pleasant years. We stayed in the Chinese Gallery for a long time, considering old portraits and ornate Chinese [objects?]. The sun, shining through the yellow glass, illuminated the bronze and Chinese porcelain with a magical golden colour; I did not want to leave there. —We did not manage to see the rooms of Pavel I and his bed on which he died—there was no time before the train departed...                                                    

29th July — Kronstadt

At 9 o'clock in the morning we weighed anchor and got underway. Under the guidance of Skrydlov and employing the advice of the other officers, I was busy cleaning the anchor. My first watch while we were moving was at 12 o'clock in the afternoon.