Some of you may remember that since January I have been keeping track of every book I have read and every film/TV series I have watched, giving it a small review or comment, rating out of ten, and colour-coding it in a spreadsheet based on whether or not I would consider it queer media. I did start with some criteria, but threw them out early on because I realised things were slipping through the net. As a result, my categorisation is pretty much vibes-based. I am sure that some of my choices contradict themselves and many of you may disagree. To you I say, it's harder to find where the line should be drawn than you think. As a matter of fact, Plebs (Season 6) gets a special rating because I really could not work out where to put it.
The categories are: Green (absolutely queer), Purple (debatable), Yellow (Plebs Season 6), Red (not queer).
Though I have tried my best to flag up any particularly egregious slips, product may still contain spoilers. Read ahead at your own risk.
BOOKS
A Marvellous Light by Freya Marske — 8/10 — Maybe I was just feeling uncharacteristically generous towards smutty YA novels when I read this, but as William Morris' number one fan I wholeheartedly endorse it.
Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu — 5/10 — For all that Le Fanu tries to make her out as some sort of evil mastermind, Carmilla is in fact quite stupid.
Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov — 10/10 — This is what literature's all about, baby.
Letters of Anastasia Nikolaevna (translated) by Helen Azar — 10/10 — Does exactly what it says on the tin.
The House of Special Purpose by John Boyne — 0/10 — See here.
The Still by David Feintuch — 6/10 — Predictable and often exhausting. I am, however, in awe of Feintuch's bravery to deliberately write a protagonist who just really sucks for like 4/5ths of the book.
The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice — 8/10 — As a fan of the first book's ending, I simply choose to believe that this is Lestat's fanfiction about himself.
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins-Reid — 5/10 — I did not care about a single one of these characters.
The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee — 7/10 — A bisexual character who is in fact bisexual? Astounding.
The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee — 3/10 — Felicity Montague is my go-to example of a 'feminist' character who isn't really a feminist and instead has a ton of internalised misogyny to work through.
The Nobleman's Guide to Scandal and Shipwrecks by Mackenzi Lee — 8/10 — This was uncomfortably like reading my own inner monologue spilled out on a page. Fantastic job.
The House by the Dvina: a Russian Childhood by Eugenie Fraser — 7/10 — I'd like to issue a general recommendation for this and also the accompanying documentary.
The Princess Cassamassima by Henry James — 8/10 — I loved the vast majority of it but the awful awful non-ending means that I can't in good conscience recommend it.
Elektra by Jennifer Saint — 4/10 — Oh look, somebody else who needs to search up what the word 'feminist' means.
Maurice by E.M. Forster — 9/10 — Brilliant quality aside, how cool is it that this exists at all‽
The Intoxicating Mr. Lavelle by Neil Blackmore — 4/10 — Blackmore imagines himself profound. He is not. In addition, having read this and half of another of his novels, I can say with some confidence that his characters all have one trait and act accordingly.
The Real Life of Sebastian Knight by Vladimir Nabokov — 5/10— An interesting concept that I don't think quite hit the mark.
The Secret History by Donna Tartt — 9/10 — I don't think a day has gone by since I read this that I haven't thought about it at least a little bit.
Daughters of the Winter Queen by Nancy Goldstone — 8/10 — This book reignited an obsession but I'm afraid that my family favourite remains Prince Rupert.
The King Must Die by Mary Renault — 6/10 — Not her best work, it must be said.
Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb — 7/10 — I am desperate for a Verity spin-off novel. I would happily read a book about this man tying his shoelaces in the morning.
The Swan King: Ludwig II of Bavaria by Christopher Mcintosh — 5/10 — Frankly, there wasn't all that much information about Ludwig in this book.
Letters from Russia by Adolphe de Custine — 7/10 — I just learnt that Custine is the guy spouting scathing critiques of all the courtiers in Russian Ark which I feel is a legacy he would be proud of.
Royal Assassin by Robin Hobb — 7/10 — There was simply not enough Verity content in this book. I expect better in future.
The Russian Court at Sea by Frances Welch — 6/10 — Some of Welch's wording...made me a tad uncomfortable. Let us not discuss queer historical figures as though they're quaint and amusing curiosities please.
If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio — 8/10 — I have an awful lot to say concerning the ending so if you are planning to read this book, skip ahead. Ahem: The idea of Oliver getting out of prison only to learn that James killed himself due to guilt is a great one, but to turn around and then say 'oh he was just pretending actually' makes the whole thing ring really hollow. Like, what was the in-universe point? Even in a writing sense I cannot understand it—the only reason I can think of would be for the Romeo and Juliet symbolism but there isn't any because Oliver doesn't then proceed to kill himself. If it was because Rio wanted to avoid the 'kill your gays' trope then she could've ended on a slightly grim but ultimately very touching reunion which would have left a much better taste in my mouth.
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt — 10/10 — What a masterpiece. Certainly the best thing I've ever read and quite probably one of the best novels ever written. Beyond deserving of the Pulitzer.
If This Gets Out by Sophie Gonzales and Cale Dietrich — 3/10 — Everything I disliked about Heartstopper turned up to max. Felt like barely passable fanfiction of another story.
The World of Christopher Marlowe by David Riggs — 9/10 — Informative and wonderfully written.
Stats:
Out of 29 books read, 20 fell into the green and purple categories giving me the somewhat unfortunate score of 69%.
FILMS
Effie Gray — 3/10 — In a word: dull.
The Handmaiden — 9/10 — Some performances were less than stellar but otherwise brilliant.
Much Ado About Nothing (1993) — 6/10 — Everyone in this film is astoundingly pretty. That was my main takeaway.
Giant Little Ones — 7/10 — Really quite sad.
Juno — 1/10 — The cast was fantastic, unfortunately they were given nothing redeemable to work with.
Firebird — 10/10 — My love for this film goes beyond words. If for some god-forsaken reason you don't want to watch the whole thing, you at least have to watch the wedding sequence—a masterclass in filmmaking.
Downton Abbey: A New Era — 5/10 —I wish Julian Fellowes wasn't so insistent on having his characters be either married or in a relationship at all times.
Containment — 3/10 — Didn't really get it.
Gosford Park — 2/10 — On paper I like this film, in practice it didn't click with me.
Crimson Tide — 7/10 — Genuinely amazed by how much I enjoyed this. I typed up a huge paragraph about how good the scene where Ramsey's lurching up the stairs to the control room is but for once I'm going to spare you.
Ammonite — 2/10 — Another dull one.
Operation Hyacinth — 8/10 — Big fan. Simple as that.
Benediction — 7/10 — Visuals? Sublime. Acting? Exquisite. Writing? Sure. Editing? Argh.
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies — 8/10 — Police Squad on steroids. Best gag is how softly Moeller says "oh scheisse" as he repeatedly tries to pull the flag away only for the damage to keep getting worse and worse.
The Scapegoat (2012) — 7/10 — Some aspects were great and others highly questionable. I don't know how the source material deals with it but I didn't get the impression that Sturridge is aware of how creepy the ending is when you think about the implications.
Persuasion (2022) — 1/10 — We all know.
War and Peace (1956) — 6/10 — At this point, I'm beginning to think that my man Hippolyte Kuragin doesn't appear in any adaptations. I'm also a particularly big fan of the scene where Petya gets on his horse, it cuts to Natasha, and then cuts to what is very obviously a grown man galloping away.
Beverly Hills Cop — 5/10 — You could so easily do a gay reading of this. Like, you'd barely even need to invoke death of the author.
Look Both Ways — 5/10 — Cool concept, mostly entertaining.
Austenland — 6/10 — I didn't really care for the first two-thirds but the last third unironically blew me away.
OSS 117: Lost in Rio — 7/10 — I'm sure you can guess how pleased I am about Hubert's character arc but the film as a whole felt a little tired.
Atonement — 3/10 — Kind of just wanted to be watching something else.
The Half of It — 7/10 — Another that I didn't expect to like as much as I did. Some not half-bad social commentary either.
Thoroughbreds — 9/10 — Man, what a loss Anton Yelchin was. If the film was this good then I cannot imagine the experience that would've been watching this play out in a theatre.
Brokeback Mountain — 8/10 — A lot of stuff I liked, some stuff that feels a bit out of date. Someone please tell me that the hat symbolism is, like, film 101 and not just me reading into everything again.
Your Name Engraved Herein — 4/10 — I think it might've been down to a bad translation but I could not follow this film at all. The parts I could understand were lovely, though.
The Goldfinch — 8/10 — Aneurin Barnard as adult Boris was an inspired decision and an absolute treat to watch. My critical (slightly spoilery) notes, however, are thus: 1. Amsterdam was way too condensed, the film is already like two and a half hours long they could've stuck another ten-fifteen minutes on there. 2. I'm a little miffed about how they almost completely ditched Boris/Theo—maybe the young actors were too young to show one of those scenes (also that's another point, why don't they get any older during Vegas?), but I think the fact that teenage Theo self-admittedly loved Boris is an important factor in why he's willing to trust him so much as an adult despite his betrayal. 3. In the book when the painting is stolen again and Boris gets shot, it's Boris and not Theo who is nearly hysterical about the painting while Theo's just desperate to make sure Boris is okay. Film-Theo barely glances at Boris and apparently just...leaves him bleeding out in the car park? If I were film-Boris I wouldn't have bothered coming back.
My Policeman — 5/10 — Considerably less than the sum of its parts.
Stats
Out of 28 films watched, 16 fell into the green and purple categories giving me an overall score of 57%.
TV SERIES
Troy: Fall of a City — 7/10 — I'm so pleased that this wasn't yet another aggressively masculine and heterosexual Trojan War retelling. I am not so pleased about the bizarre way they decided to handle Achilles, Patroclus, and Briseis. Iliad-Briseis is a slave. Iliad-Achilles is a rapist. It's fine. David, it's fine. Nobody was going to call you a misogynist.
All of Us are Dead — 9/10 — Pointed criticism of the Korean government disguised as a fun zombie show. Especially poignant if you read up about Sewol before watching.
Someone Has to Die — 6/10 — 144 minutes of mediocre drama followed by 8 minutes of the most spectacular television that Netflix has ever or will ever produce.
What We Do In the Shadows — 7/10 — Pansexual vampires, what's not to love?
Gentleman Jack — 3/10 — I do not care about mines or finance; I cannot stress this enough. Had a very pro-capitalism and pro-industrialism take which I understand the reasoning behind but dislike nonetheless.
A Very English Scandal — 9/10 — Watched this with my father who kept saying "I remember that" after every scene, but otherwise very enjoyable. I wish the government had kept sending out NICs because I can never find my number when I need it.
This is Going to Hurt — 8/10 — Yeah, it did.
Good Omens — 5/10 — Twee in that very specific, late 90s/early 2000s British media way.
Bridgerton (Season 2) — 4/10 — Better than the first but that was a very low bar to clear. My personal theory is that they're pushing back the Benedict season because they can't decide whether they want to make him bi or not.
The Gilded Age — 4/10 — It's just...he's just doing Downton Abbey again. This is the script for Downton Abbey except the token gay man is rich this time.
Our Flag Means Death — 10/10 — I am a fundamentally different person for having watched this show.
Heartstopper — 4/10 — I see the appeal, but it's much too sweet for me. Felt like I was shovelling spoonfuls of sugar into my mouth the whole time.
Derry Girls (Season 3) — 7/10 — Liked most of it, but the ending felt very mawkish.
First Kill — 5/10 — I need you to know how ready I was to love this. Lesbian vampires? Written by V.E Schwab? It just...the CGI sucked and you can absolutely tell that Schwab has never written for a visual medium before because of the sheer amount of voiceover that she seems to consider necessary at all times. It was actually distracting.
The Sandman — 9/10 — Loved it on the whole, but there were a few misplaced comedic moments that really messed with the tone.
Kingdom (Season 1) (2019) — 5/10 — Fine, just not really for me.
Plebs (Season 6) — 6/10 — I adore Plebs but it should've wrapped up a season or two before this.
Ghosts (Season 4) — 5/10 — This one wasn't very funny to me but I can't pinpoint why.
Rings of Power — 5/10 — They uh...they certainly made some choices, didn't they?
House of the Dragon — 10/10 — This was so interesting in a character-writing sense. In their desperation to make the Blacks the unequivocal good guys, the writers made them all really dull except for maybe Daemon and Corlys. Even though a lot of the Greens are 'bad' people, probably because of that, they're just so much more compelling.
Young Royals (Season 2) — 7/10 — Not quite as good as the first but the cliffhanger made me very excited for a potential season 3.
Stats
Out of 21 TV series watched, 17 fell into the green and purple categories giving me an overall score of 81%
All of this gives me a total total score of 53/78 or 68%. Did I do what I set out to do? Obviously not. But in my search for queer media to beef up my scores, I found some hidden gems that I probably wouldn't have glanced at otherwise. Maybe this extraordinarily long list has given you a few ideas too.
If you have any thoughts or would like to kick up an argument, feel free to send me a message detailing everything I got wrong. Otherwise I thank you dearly for reading, and wish that your upcoming holiday season be merry and gay.
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