2nd September — Baltic Port
Left the Baltic Port by sail, without any steam, in the morning on my watch at 11 o'clock. During an emergency I'm [to be] on the forecastle, in charge. Sometimes I get involved with the general work, but often I treat the fuss around me so cooly, and such apathy finds me that I fall into a dream, think about something and do not see or hear anything. My comrades will have easily noticed a long time ago that I serve in the navy out of necessity, and not out of my own attraction. I don't brag about my nautical knowledge, and only try to study and learn more. We all love Pavel Pavlovich very much. P. P. Novosilsky, captain of the II rank, commander of the "Svetlana". Though he is often very angry with us for inability or negligence. But he is so earnest and has such a love for naval things, which he knows to the core, and will always teach and help so well that he disarms us all when he is angry with us...
3rd September
With what joy I stood [my] last watch on the move, and did not go downstairs!
4th September
On my watch they started dragging. The flag was lowered at the Merchant's Gate: I crossed myself. Sadly. To lower the flag for the last time, this solemnity really affects the soul. [We] were drawn into the military harbour remarkably quickly, in less than two hours. It's a pity, that the first wonderful minutes of being again at home passed in anticipation. Yesterday, when I approached the palace at Strelna and really did not know whether Mama and Mitya were there, and calmed down when [I] saw the light in the windows—how [my] heart was beating. One of the best feelings in life is expectation and joy when you enter your own door. Approaching the house, every stone, each most insignificant object recalled something from the past. With what pleasure I ran up the stairs and saw the first familiar face.
24th September
Today, made a big walk to Gatchina. Having arrived at Gatchina, we went straight to see the palace. [We] walked, walked, wandering through all the rooms, curiously examining portraits and all sorts of valuables. Most of all, we were occupied by the rooms of Pavel I, and in particular his bed, transported from St. Petersburg, on which he died. There are spots on the linen and the pillows, similar to bloodstains, which made a heavy impression on me. We stayed for a long time with Nikolai Feodorovich and Pereslavtsev in Pavel Petrovich's rooms, rummaging through his books and papers. We found a bible in a red velvet cover with gold crosses, nested in which are some Masonic addresses with Greek and Latin sayings. In addition, there were several books of mystical content and other writings: memoir de Sully, herbarium, drawings of some unseen flags, sermons, some books from the end of the last century, etc. We were taken to the place of the royal hunt, we were in pens, where wolves and foxes ran free around us, they showed us borzoi and hounds...
26th September — "Svetlana"
In the evening after [playing] screw*, Nikolai Feodorovich read to us a conversation between two of Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov. We listened intently to the development of thoughts and collisions of human inconsistencies, about the torment of children, about the end of existence and the impossibility of harmony. A fierce dispute arose, intelligence went right from the [collective] mind, the whole room was shouting and, of course, did not understand anything. What great power have Dostoevsky's thoughts! He suggests such ideas as become eerie and [make] the hair stand on end. Yes, no country has produced such a writer yet, everything else pales before him.
30th September — St. Petersburg
Today, while we were having tea at my Aunt's and everyone around me was speaking briskly, a blissful moment came over me: I felt as if I were in the kingdom of heaven, I watched, smiling at those around me; life seemed cheerful and pleasant and nothing, it seemed, could disturb my spiritual peace. But soon this state was overshadowed by the thought that such a moment came from a new acquaintance with Christie, i.e. from love for a new friend. It was shameful for me to admit that I can still love friends, believe in friendship enthusiastically, like a child. Today, somehow, my love for Elena suddenly seized me, a longing for her came over me, and my life seemed broken and miserable without her.
8th October[sic] — Strelna
Read the letters of A. S. Pushkin in the complete collection. I liked one letter written in the year '22 to [his] brother in French. Puhskin's brother was leaving school and preparing to enter the world; in the letter I liked the advice about meeting new people. Pushkin warns his younger brother against passions and charms, advises to perhaps have a slim opinion about new acquaintances: it will destroy itself upon closer attachment; thus you will not encounter sad disappointments that so painfully affect a young, trusting soul and destroy the charm and attractiveness of life. I copied this passage into my book.
6th October — Strelna
Christie did not come, and I was dissatisfied with the evening. If only Christie and I together could have had a nice time on the Turkish sofa, stirring up the soul with exorbitant conversations.—In this respect, this captivating friendship with Christie—a true blessing for my little spiritual world, and I thank God for a friend whose presence has such a good influence on me. With all my soul's strength I grasp at every new, sublime thought that keeps me from the dirt of life, from everyday mundanity and empty vanity...
8th October — Marble Palace
I don't seem to have observed in this notebook yet that in the New Year I want to have [a?] company, but until that time I will watch closely.
*Card game
Source: https://imwerden.de/pdf/romanov_konstantin_dnevniki_vospominaniya_stikhi_pisma_1998__ocr.pdf
