.jpg) |
| Konstantin c. 1874 |
16/4 June
Friday | 1:30 in the morning | Frigate "Svetlana"
At close of day I love to crack open my diary and record my impressions: it's pleasant to think that a day has passed, and all its ills will never happen again, if ills there were. And so I'm now rejoicing that this day has passed, though it was not especially bad...
18/6 June
Friday | Pavlovsk
Mama returned from Strelna. I found her on her balcony sitting with Papa. She already knew about my departure and was glad of it. She knows her duty so well that she didn't even wince when Papa announced my departure to her, she says that she would give everything to the fatherland to the last drop of blood. She also requested the following: when Papa left, she wrote to him asking that Mitya be sent to the Danube as well and he, in his turn, wrote to Papa. Mama wrote the letter with such sound arguments, with such convincing entreaties that, she says, Papa will not refuse.
That Mitya might go was an unpleasant thought to me; very unpleasant! I wanted that I would be by myself, and that people not from my Svetlana life would not bother me. With Mitya, of course, will go I. A., who I love terribly but who will really annoy me on the Danube without himself being aware of it. His presence, when I am among my own [people?], embarasses me extremely, I feel awkward, I am afraid of every word and action, so as not to see displeasure on his face. This is wretched; I tried to force myself to stifle this feeling, even prayed over his going with me...
19/7 June
Saturday | Pavlovsk
Drank tea on my balcony. At 10 o'clock Mama woke, we went to her. Today I had almost reconciled myself to the thought that Mitya will also set out with me on the Danube. So we are sitting at Mama's; she slept little and feels poorly. Papa came in. From the first word he thanked Mitya for the noble feelings and impulses related in yesterday's letter, but rejected his request, saying that he, Mitya, still had more to learn and shouldn't think about the war. I was almost sure of such an answer...
Yesterday, Mama expressed to me a wish that I should fast before going. Today, after lunch, I told this to Papa. He answered that he had the same thought, but that it's not possible because of the tasks currently occupying me. To Mama, apparently, this was unpleasant, more so as I gave into Papa's words yesterday and refused the holy intention...
20/8 June
Sunday | Pavlovsk
Mama received a mass of telegrams, one, by the way, from the Sovereign, he says that he will be glad to see me on the banks of the Danube...
I really longed to go to the chapel to pray, so no one would see me. I said goodbye to Mama, left Mitya with her, and went through the semi-dark halls to the choir of our chapel. There I knelt, leant on the railing, closed my eyes and prayed, or rather, thought, reflected...
Tomorrow father O. Arseny will come.
21/9 June
Monday
Got up quite late. At 10 o'clock Baranov cut my hair. At 11 o'clock went to the chapel. We always stand in the choir, and downstairs—the people. Today there was no one downstairs and I was glad of it, it's somehow better to pray when alone. Mama came at the end of the obednya. She almost didn't sleep at all, felt poorly, but was sprightly and cheerful.
I prayed well and thought a lot about myself. I'm already very far from that time when it was so easy to pray, and when it seemed to me that God and the Angels hear me and don't disdain my prayer. And now it is hard for me to concentrate my thoughts and set my mind on religious matters. When I finally, go deep within myself and start to pray, I see my sins from the blackest angle and the past seems impossible to me. Then I think that God has turned away from me and has no need for my prayers. And I remember an evening in Madeira. Talking with —, he was on watch, we were standing, leaning against the right side gun. I was consoling him, he had discovered something within himself...
1:40 in the morning — So I was consoling him, He had discovered such evil in himself, such evil that he could not see forgiveness for himself; I told him that the Lord rejoices more in the repentance of one sinner than in the saintly lives of 99 righteous people. But now I remember these words, and they don't produce the calming effect on me which they did then on him...
22/10 June
12 3/4 in the morning
A telegram came from Papa, who has left for Kronshtadt. He ordered that we be present at St. Isaac's Cathedral tomorrow for a moleben on the occasion of the capture of Tarnovo. I became feverish: wrote to Mama asking her to have obednya earlier. tried on my big boots, as one ought to be in full dress uniform. It was very unpleasant to me, that now after Communion I shall have to fly to the city; it would have been a good deal better not to rush through hearing obednya and to remain all day in peace...
Tuesday
The day of Communion has arrived...
I immediately dressed in field uniform, i.e. in the embroidered uniform with sabres and big boots. Having dressed, went with O. Arseny to the chapel. There, before the royal doors, was placed a lectern with the Cross and the Gospel. Father read prayers, and I began to confess. My confession never before lasted so long, and Father spoke so much and so well. But I did not have my former childish joy and peace which embraced my whole being after confession in previous, pure years. And this damned upcoming trip to the city especially disrupted the desired peace.
Mama slept well and woke up by herself. We stood for obednya downstairs, there were absolutely no people. I positively could not pray at all, my tie, which kept creeping out from under the collar of my uniform, concerned me far more than the approaching sacrament. Such is the callousness I have reached. The only good thing is the consciousness of my own unworthiness.
When Mama and I approached the bowl I felt excellent and, as always in these moments lost all comprehension. And having received communion, I again fell into the abyss of stupid everyday worries and I was once again bothered by my tie, which kept sliding along the collar of my new silk shirt. I chewed the phosphora and could not thank God.
Then we hastily fled into the city...The Metropolitan and many clergy served the moleben, it was all very solemn, but I was terribly impassive...
24/12 June
Thursday | Pavlovsk
My batman Fokin got some new clothes, Stepanov sent him for some reason. I told him that he can go to the city to take communion with the rest of the crew setting out for the Danube. Had lunch in the Gonzaga Gallery. Then drove with Mama. I think, sometimes, that this may be the last time I see lovely Pavlovsk!
12:40 in the morning
Farewell dear, loyal, faithful diary.
⧫⧫⧫
Source: https://corpus.prozhito.org/notes?diaries=%5B182%5D&diaryTypes=%5B1%5D
I have absolutely no idea what's going on with the days of the week here. They're like this both in the book compiled by Ella Matonina and on Прожито (although I believe the latter is transcribed from the former) so I've left them as is.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment