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| Konstantin (far left) with his mother and siblings Nikolai, Olga, Dmitri, and Vera c.1863 |
1 August — Svetlana — Finnish gulf
I still don't fully understand steamer work. I'm often frightened when I think of the idea of a lone steam watch. I pray to God a lot, delving into all around me. I willingly ask advice from Pavel Pavlovich (commander of Svetlana — E. M.), not especially trusting Skrydlov.
Today came dark minutes, overwhelming sorrow, it seemed to me that I don't know anything and will never learn to be a decent sailor. Reminisced about home, about the rooms of Pavlovsk, about the balcony with curling plants, about peaceful days. And here every minute one prepares for something unexpected...
3 August — Svetlana
Again my head hurt and despondency found me. When my head hurts, it always makes me miserable. Remembered poetry, thought how good it would be not to serve at all and do everything according to one's own will, and most of all to stay at home.
I heard all the wonderful words of "Demon".
4 August — Baltic Sea
In the morning read about the new ships of the German fleet. It should be significant in the future.
Watch from 1 to 6.
On artillery watch commanded the battery. Around 6 tore a training mine. —From 12 walked around the steamer, sails fixed, deadliest calm.
5 August
I read Dostoevsky's short story "Poor Folk", already the third day of reading and I finished it today. It made me so afraid and said following the people invented in this story, I long to find out where in all the world there are such people and to help them. I barely held on in the mess, ran to my own cabin, knelt by the bed and burst into tears. For a long time I could not calm myself, kept thinking of the terrible things in my life and cried all the more. Everything I felt in the last few days, all the adversity in my soul leaked out with the tears.
Now I feel excellent, and was not lazy to go on watch, and fear nothing in the future, and pray well.
8 August — Kiel
Despondency has again begun to take me apart, Copenhagen frightens me with various festivities. Trying to drive away the thought that I don't want to serve in the fleet. —This is my home—need to submit to fate.
9 August
Prayed diligently, asking God to help me in my twenty-second year to be an honourable person. In the mess they heartily congratulated me...
13 August — Copenhagen
I was met so sweetly, so sincerely, as if I had come to my own home. And the King and Queen welcomed and questioned so affectionately. I was very happy to see our "ducky Tsesarevna", she has been staying in her home country for two months. She brought me to her children who wanted to see me, they were lying in bed and waiting for me...
Then the Tsarevna brought me to another room where Crown Princess Louise and Princess Alix were, lovely as day to look at her, she is so wonderfully beautiful and sweet. —Then we all gathered indoors, in the corner room for the evening. In this room for the first time I saw our Tsesarevna, she was in mourning for the old Tsesarevich and was still silent in front of Sasha*. This was 14 years ago in '65.
15 August — Copenhagen
Went to call on Princess Caroline, the Crown Princess, and the widowed Queen. Stood watch from 6 to midnight. This familiar life is very tiring.
17 August
My watch from 8 in the morning. Wind (SW) was very fresh and roaring. The senior officer went to shore to the Thorvaldsen Museum, I stayed behind, and with me on watch was Tolstoy. Thus I was for a few hours the senior officer—caliph for an hour; running on the decks, checking everything's in order.
Dropped the second anchor. Very fresh. Went to shore...Called on the Queen, Minnie and Alix for tea, quickly sat on the floor—ma position. Then Minnie brought me to Alix's room, she lay on the sofa and I again sat on the floor. So we remained until lunch.
...One can see that there was and always will be familial happiness [here], there are clean and simple relations between everyone, not as we have. I understand that both Sasha and Minnie come here in order to rest from the tedious, awkward moral situation in Petersburg. Even the children are here somehow more cheerful, free and casual.
Returned around 9.
18 August
From hour to hour the yacht Tsarevna is expected, on which the Tsesarevich should arrive from Stockholm.
At 9 in the morning went ashore with the officers on a tender. Went with Tolstoy, Denisov and the old doctor first to change money, then to the Thorvaldsen Museum. I was covered in benevolent feelings at the sight of the simple grave of the famous sculptor, covered with ivy, in the middle of all his works. His Hermes I liked most of all.
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| Thorvaldsen's Hermes |
19 August
The Tsesarevich, finally, arrived at 6 in the morning on a private steamer from Malmö. After breakfast I went to him and stayed there all day. It was glorious to watch Sasha and Minnie together, they both look so happy.
This time lunch was accompanied by solemn music, there was many invitees who lunched in another room, and the family separately in the dining room—the King stood and drank to Sasha's health, and he became very confused and red despite his considerable size and heavy form. Sasha is modest and shy to the extreme.
In the evening everyone went to the widowed Queen; she is wonderfully preserved, you can't tell that she's in her ninth decade; I really like her, such a glorious, important old lady, clearly a queen; and she lives peacefully and serenely, everything so simple and sweet and in an altogether grand style.
20 August
My watch was from midday, I...telegraphed the Tsesarevich to say that I won't come.
I still haven't said anything about our frigate monk; today because of him there were a few unpleasant happenings on the frigate which I will use to describe the personality of the priest. Father Ilya the Second joined the frigate when we sailed from the Novgorod-Skovorodsky monastery; his appearance is not very attractive; he is an elderly person with sparse greying hair, his forehead is wrinkled and slopes completely up—a sign of underdevelopment.
Really, Father Ilya is extremely stupidly developed and completely uneducated: he speaks poorly, stuttering and stumbling even during worship, and pronouncing the letter "V" like little Russians [Ukrainians] do "U". As a dark person he is, of course, not opposed to strong drink. —In the mess society is split in two halves; at one end of the table the golds—sailors, at the other—the silvers, that is the mechanics and navigators. Today at dinner one of the navigators gave Father a drink so that he completely passed the limits of decency, especially as a spiritual person. —Some went to laugh at the priest, to prevent him giving a sermon, others, partly I, resented this. However, I confess, I couldn't resist and heard "the word" of Father Ilya "about the soul". Of course "the word" was a laughing stock and finally, by general force, we persuaded the priest to lie down and sleep in his own cabin
Then an old officer stood to protest, finding it extremely indecent to get a priest drunk, that it's disrespectful to the mess and disrespectful to spiritual dignity; the guilty young navigator got it sharply, he was besieged and shut up.
21 August
After breakfast returned to shore. Dropped in to an antiquarium, looked out some old carved cabinets for myself, bought a bronze of Thorvaldsen's Mercury.
25 August — Copenhagen
I stood watch from 8-12 and during this watch the Tsesarevich and Tsesarevna visited the frigate. While viewing the frigate the Tsesarevich wished to see the sails drill. Opened the sails and then fixed them. Then there was an alarm for the battery; artillery drill went fairly well—the best old mariners on the barge for Sasha and on guard as if the runners[?] were not there—unsurprising that the sail drill was not glittering. Nonetheless the Tsesarevich and Tsesarevna remained absolutely satisfied.
26 August — Svetlana
I'm terribly tired—at breakfast we left. Said goodbye to everyone and thanked [them] for a wonderful reception...
27 August
We weighed anchor at 7.30 in the morning. Still ten days, but maybe less—and I will be home. I count the days, numbers, watches when I stand them. Impatience grows greater and greater.
Translation by Lottie Bailey (@Medesikasta)
SOURCES:
Diary: К. Р.Дневники. Воспоминания. Стихи. Письма, ed. by Ella Matonina
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