Diaries of Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich — September 1879

Konstantin (right) with his siblings Nikolai, Olga, and Vera c. 1860

 2 September — Baltic Port

Left the Baltic port under power of sail, not leaking vapours, in the morning at 11 on my watch.

During 'all hands on deck' I'm on the tank, in charge. Sometimes I'm involved in the general work, but often feel cold-blooded to the mess surrounding me, and find such apathy that it's as if I'm falling asleep, I think about anything and see and hear nothing. My comrades long ago were able to notice easily that I serve by requirement and not by personal inclination. I don't brag about my naval knowledge, instead only try to find out and learn more.

We all really love Pavel Pavlovich. P. P. Novosilsky, rank II captain, commander of Svetlana. Though he is often very angry with us for inability and negligence. But he approaches naval matters, which he knows to the core, with such zealousness and love and always teaches and helps so well that we are all disarmed when he gets angry with us...

3 September

Stood the last watch on deck with such joy and didn't go down!

4 September

Started to drag on my watch. The flag was lowered at the Merchant's Gate: I crossed myself. Sad. The last time lowering the flag, that solemnity really plays on the soul. Got into the military harbour wonderfully quickly, less than two hours. 

A pity that the first wonderful minutes of expecting to be home again have passed. Yesterday when I was approaching the palace at Strelna and didn't know for sure whether or not Mama and Mitya were there, and calmed down upon seeing light in the windows—how my heart was beating. One of the best feelings in life—expectation and joy, when you enter your home door. 

Approaching the house, every pebble, every insignificant thing reminded me of something in the past. With what pleasure I ran up the stairs and saw the first familiar face.

The Konstantin Palace at Strelna

24 September—Strelna

Today did a big walk at Gatchina. Having got to Gatchina, we went at once to look at the palace. Walked, walked, wandering through every room, looking with curiosity at the portraits and all sorts of valuable things. The rooms of Paul I occupied us more than anything, and especially his bed, transported from Petersburg, on which he died. On the white pillows stains were visible similar to traces of blood, this sight produced a sorry impression on me. We stayed a long time with Nikolai Feodorovich and Pereslavtsev in Paul Petrovich [Paul I]'s rooms, rummaging through his books and papers. We found a bible in red velvet with gold crosses, in which are some kind of masonic addresses with Greek and Latin sayings. Apart from this, there were a few books with mystical contents and other essays: memoir de Sully, a herbarium, drawings of some sort of unknown flags, sermons, some books from the end of the century etc. 

We were brought to the Tsar's hunting place, we were in pens while wolves and foxes ran freely around us, we were shown Borzoi and hounds...

26 September — Strelna

Yesterday evening after the propeller[?], Nikolai Feodorovich read us the dialogue of two of Dostoevsky's brothers Karamazov. We heard the tense development of thoughts and the collisions of human contradiction, about the torment of children, about the final existence and the impossibility of harmony. The argument became fierce, minds were lost, there was shouting in every room, and, of course, nothing was resolved. What great power of mind Dostoevsky has! He leads one round such thoughts that one grows fearful and one's hair stands on end. Yes, not one country has produced such a writer, and all else pales before him. 

30 September — Petersburg

While we were drinking tea today at Aunt's and everyone around me was having a lively discussion, a blissful moment came upon me: I felt as though I was in the kingdom of heaven, watching, smiling at everyone around me; life seemed cheerful and pleasant and seemingly, nothing could upset my moral peace. But this condition soon darkened, thinking that such a minute was found through new acquaintance with Christ, that is from love for a new friend. I'm embarrassed to realise that I can still love friends, believe in friendship enthusiastically, like a child.

Today I was somehow seized by love for Elena, a wave of longing for her, and my life seemed broken and unhappy to me without her. 

                                                                                 ⧫⧫⧫

Translation by Lottie Bailey (@Medesikasta)

SOURCES:

Diary: К. Р.Дневники. Воспоминания. Стихи. Письма, ed. by Ella Matonina

Photos:

Konstantinovichi

Strelna